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How to Get Free Food by Effectively Using the Halftime Exit Strategy

Feb 29, 2008
The simple truth is I'm not hung up on me. I don't sit around analyzing myself and what my colleagues or neighbors are thinking or not thinking.

For that reason and several others, some people think I am strange, weird and enlightened. Sometimes all three.

It's all rather simple because I always know what I'm thinking. And it's also partly because I already know what some other folks are thinking and don't want to know any more. And partly because I no longer care. OK, OK.

The older I get the more it tends toward I don't care.

I also bore myself because I already know how all my stories are going to end. You know the feeling? And just how can I pick up new material if I'm always the one talking?

I had to do something contrarian and bodacious...like strike up conversations with total strangers.

My secret is I simply refuse to talk about me and insist we talk about them. Want to watch someone eat out of your hand? Ask them to tell you about them.

"Can I get you something to eat or drink?" is one of the first things they say, "Maybe a pillow? Pitcher of martinis? Can I pick up your tab? No one has ever in my whole life asked me about me. Let me tell you all about me. I'm so excited."

"This is the happiest day of my life. I'm so thrilled someone is interested in worthless, useless, gutless moronic embattled me. I've been devoutly praying, meditating and rubbing my crystals so this day would come and it finally has. I am feeling so very blessed and spiritual right now."

Not to rain on the self esteem picnic here but the honest truth is I'm not interested. I'm in it for the food.

So I let them talk while I eat and occasionally nod my head up or down. Blah, blah, blah. I just let them get it out of their system. Blah, blah, blah. I eat and drink all I want and just let them keep going. Blah, blah, blah.

I never stop them until I am finished eating and drinking. Blah, blah, blah. And when that point arrives, I stand up and loudly pronounce 'it's halftime'.

If you use the halftime exit survival tactic remember to never accept food or drink after your halftime proclamation as you will never be able to leave the premises again having totally lost the element of surprise. You are doomed.

Like the good life, good sequences almost always come down to timing and execution so don't be stupid and blow yours.

By the time they figure out what the heck this clown aka me means by the expression 'halftime' I have already profusely excused myself to the loo, whether I need to go or not, and once given a three step lead I simply cannot be caught.

Just like a well executed bank robbery, the focus is on surprise and escape and not looking back.

You have to start thinking outside your narrow bourgeois box if you want to get ahead in this flea bitten world. And you must understand that in our modern web linked cyber society it is often better to give first and then later receive the backlinks.

The more, the merrier.

So stop whining and focusing so much on yourself. Think leveraged strategy. And focus. In fact, focus on leveraged strategy. And especially focus on backlink paybacks through leveraged strategy.

Afterwards you graciously allow yourself to become immensely popular and everyone adores you and you get food invites to all the really cool and important functions where they also offer you bloated contracts, discounted timeshares in Akumal and their first born quarter horses.

They soon whisper in your ear how the masses will be clamoring for you to run for public office. At least Governor they whisper. At least for Governor...

You humbly decline signing all contracts that are not food or drink related except for Governor and keep your focus until halftime when you can regroup. Governors have to regroup and eat too.

Our national hero Curly of the Three Stooges put it best when he said, 'We ain't normal people, we're morons'. Amen. That's the one thing we truly know. That's it.

That's the enlightened truth. From whence we come. There is no truer statement. Even the Governor knows that. He'd be the first to agree with Curly.

Buddha admitted knowing that too but said that at the end of the day it doesn't matter. If ignorance is its own reward then we should all be rich.

Curly would have agreed since he had such a short attention span, even when he got angry. And you have to admit both Buddha and Curly have some very impressive backlinks.

So don't forget to always be closing, never insult the cook and think leveraged backlinks.

Oh, and by the way, speaking of leveraging some backlinks can you please pass the nachos, amigo? It's almost halftime...
About the Author
Jack Deal is the owner of Jack D. Deal Business Consulting. Related articles may be found at http://www.jddeal.com/blog/humor and http://www.freeandinquiringmind.typepad.com
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