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Faulty Meat Processing Machines Go Haywire

Mar 21, 2008
Reports have come in today of a product recall on a meat processing machine, model number 43OhNo. This is due to a malfunction where the computerised meat processing machine develops a mind of its own and has been taking matters into its own grinder.

After installation at a new butchers shop in Lancashire things had apparently been going well. That is until the butcher woke early one morning to begin the days sausage preparation. Meat was placed in the mixing section, along with spices and a little fat.

'There's been a shortage of piglets this year', claims the butcher, 'we have to make ingredients go further so sometimes we add tasty, wholesome pig parts that some might take for ears, eyes or hooves'.

It was when the butcher began adding the eye balls to the meat processing machine that things took a nasty turn. Apparently, there was a spare piece of metal sticking out and it was here that he caught his sleeve. For some unknown reason, the safety button failed when the butcher hit it and he was up to his elbow before help arrived.

The man was taken to hospital for emergency surgery and the contents of the meat processing machine were taken with him. Surgeons were able to reattach his fingers, albeit in the form of sausages. 'I have to look below the surface' says the butcher bravely. 'They may look like sausages, but underneath, it's all me. Besides, I think they look rather fitting, even though I won't be going near that machine again!'

In other parts of the country, more mayhem has been caused by the wayward antics of the meat processing machine. In Wales, mutton was being ground to add to burgers and all was going well. It is believed some of the mutton was a little past it's best, possibly due to the sheep grazing on grass that was subject to recent nuclear fallout from an accident at a nearby power plant.

It is reported that something became lodged in the grinder causing the machine to kick back and go into overdrive. Vibrations from the overloaded meat processing machine caused it to vibrate all around the cold room, trapping a butcher's assistant against a wall until he cried.

After his rescue, the assistant emerged covered in blood (sheep's blood not his own) looking pale and scared. He has now decided to take a job in IT deciding it would definitely be safer.

The 43OhNo meat processing machine has also been found to have malfunctions with its onboard computer. Phallic shaped sausages that cannot be put on the shelves have been widely reported as have square burgers and rolled joints that you would typically see in the hands of a backstreet teenager than on a butchers display!

All owners of the 43OhNo meat processing machine are being asked to report any faults on the emergency numbers below and to make arrangements to have their machine picked up and returned. A full refund is promised and customers are being asked to return the machines for their own safety.
About the Author
Health and safety expert Catherine Harvey looks at what can go wrong with a meat processing machine and the risk to health.
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