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Twelve Easy Steps To Total Destruction Of Your Health

Mar 23, 2008
Are you tired of all the health and fitness freaks? You know: the ones that juice, jog, and junk out on Gym. They take daily supplements, build their muscles, and bore you incessantly.

Articles on health and fitness abound, therefore this article should provide more interesting reading for you, the more discriminating and sophisticated reader.

This article will lead you along a different path, a path already traveled, but not commonly so; and definitely more enjoyable! You will benefit by not being one of the crowd, and find more comfort and solace in being an individual, with plenty of time to yourself, and with no real ties or commitments.

This is all you have to do:

1. No matter what time you wake up, start your day with a cigarette. And I don't mean low tar, low nicotine, go for the strongest and best. Keep a pack beside your bed so you won't interrupt your flow by having to get up.

2. After your first cigarette you may want to consider getting up. But no too fast now, nothing faster than a slow crawl. Head for the kitchen a make yourself a nice, STRONG cup of coffee. Beware of Decaf and use only full strength!

3. Once your coffee is ready it's time to light up your second cigarette, and enjoy this with your first cup of coffee. Of course no cup of coffee is complete without a second and it also provides the opportunity for another cigarette. See! All this and you haven't even left the house.

4. Avoid establishing good bowel habits. Spend more time drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes. This way you'll be sure you're running late for work, and you won't have time to clear your bowel, setting the way for chronic constipation.

5. Never walk to work! Always drive to make sure you get a daily dose of road stress, you know, that great feeling that accumulates from sitting behind the wheel, stuck in traffic!

6. Make sure you drink more coffee during the day, soaked up with lots donuts and followed by a cigarette each time.

7. For lunch, be sure to have plenty of deep fried foods, the ones that are still dripping while they reach your mouth, and make sure you eat plenty, and eat it fast, that way indigestion will be unavoidable. After all why should you deprive yourself the joy of taking Antacids?

8. On your way home smoke plenty more cigarettes in the enclosed space of your car, this adds to the accumulation of road stress and ensures maximum absorption of passive smoke as well.

9. Once at home, reward yourself with half a bottle of whiskey. Order pizza, especially the one with pepperoni, cabanossi and other processed meat. Finnish the other half bottle of whiskey with your evening meal, topped up with a few beers.

10. Flop yourself down on the lounge in front of your TV, making sure you have your remote beside you, your cigarettes, and more beer before you flop, otherwise you may have to get up again.

11. After you've fallen asleep and woke up again a few times, head for your bed, go to sleep and have plenty of nightmares.
12.In the morning, start all over again, as in Step 1
About the Author
Alfred Bellanti is a published author and webmaster of http://www.mindbody.biz
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