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The Importance Of Accepting Others For Who And What They Are

Mar 23, 2008
Women female gender seems to have an innate desire to improve, nurture, and organize things. Nothing wrong with that, except when it is turned towards a romantic relationship.

People are who and what they are. They don't change because we see potential in them. They don't change because we want them to be more, better, different. Snakes bite, wolves howl, and scorpions sting. That's just how it is. Why can't women accept that you can't turn a frog into a Prince, no matter how many times you kiss him?

Begin With Self-Love and Self-Acceptance

Women are notorious for picking themselves apart. Accomplished, beautiful women that present themselves as confident and secure will often demonstrate a shaky sense of self esteem and will look for things to criticize themselves about.

I've also noticed that women who feel they are not good enough or flawed will either have ridiculously high expectations of the men in their life, or no expectations at all. An accomplished professional woman may select and fall madly in love with some loser. Sadly, these women secretly believe they aren't worthy and don't deserve better. Here is a letter sent to my Dear Ms. HeartBeat advice column:

"I have been with my boyfriend for 6 months and we have been living together for 2 months. He has a daughter from another relationship so he pays child support. The only other bills he has is a truck payment and auto insurance. He never offers to help pay any bills in our household. When he gets paid he buys clothes, shoes and things to fix up his truck. I cook for him, do his laundry, keep gas in his truck, and basically pay for everything else! Recently he asked me to help pay his truck payment since I drive it a lot. One day over lunch we talked about our past and he mentioned that he has always been spoiled by the women in his life. Is he a leech or is he spoiled and in need someone to open his eyes to the way he acts?"

A woman with two children moving in with a guy she's known for only a few months? Paying for the gas in his truck? Doing his laundry and feeding him? And she never once requested that he pay a fair share of household expenses? Is this truly the best man she hopes to ever have?

Real Men Fart With Glee...

And burp, like old clothes because they are comfortable. Men love to play with their big boy toys like power saws and engine blocks. They also leave socks on the floor, prefer sports to shopping, forget birthdays, and really enjoy looking at boobs no matter who they are on.

"I have been living with a man I dated for 8 months prior to moving in with him. The problem is that he has no manners. He swears a lot, he eats like a savage, leaves his things where ever he drops them, is critical of others and prejudiced. I have looked everywhere to find advice on manners in love relationships, but can never seem to find advice beyond either or not he holds the door open for you. I want to be able to open the floor for negotiation. I want a lot to change or I'm prepared to go. How do I discuss this wide reaching subject with my guy? I feel like either I dump him or change him. I just want to be able to relax in my home with or with out him. Can I realistically expect to make this better?"

Whatever he enjoyed doing before you met him, the manners he had (or lacked), his attitudes, and any friends and weird family he had before you came along should be considered a part of the package. You want him? Well if you take him, you get all those "bonus extras" as well.

Your Way Is Not The Only Way!

There are some women that constantly criticize and complain about men's behavior. These ladies just don't seem to understand that because they believe something "should" be a certain way, the men they date are not obligated to meet those expectations.

I know a woman in her 40s that gets incensed if she calls a man and he doesn't call her back right away. She never considers what may be going on in his life that could be a priority over her call! She hasn't accepted the fact a man with whom she is not yet involved will call if and when he feels like it. She doesn't get that if he isn't feeling a need to speak with her or a desire to hear her voice, the phone won't ring.

Her belief that a man "should" call back quickly and that such a call is "common courtesy" is merely her own belief system. Doesn't make such a belief a fact; does not obligate a man to adopt her belief system and adhere to it either.

Remove the words "should," "ought to," and "why can't he" from your vocabulary. He is what he is. If you are unhappy with a man's behavior, thought processes, proclivities or personality, go ahead and NEXT him. Breaking it off is the honest and decent thing to do! It means he may be a good guy, but you recognize that he probably is not the best man for you long-term.

Men Are Only Perfect in Soap Operas

Being comfortable with and accepting of others as mere humans with imperfections and issues must begin with acceptance of self. Love yourself just as you are with your chunky thighs, two left feet and birthmark.

If you feel you would be even more fabulous with additional education or a new haircut to boost your Diva attitude, then have at it! But learn to be okay with yourself and you can easily be okay with others, whether you decide to continue your interaction with them or not.

Men gravitate towards confident, secure women that are accepting of them as men. Men adore being around women who are accepting of their faults, tolerant of their less than perfect behavior, and who love them anyway. Sounds to me like we're all looking for the same thing!

Remember that.
About the Author
Deborrah is a dating expert whose columns appear on http://www.askheartbeat.com. Also author of the hilarious modern dating guide Sucka Free Love: How to Avoid Dating The Dumb, The Deceitful, The Dastardly, The Dysfunctional & The Deranged. Order your copy today at http://www.amazon.com
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