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Breaking Up and Divorce - Sometimes Love Hurts

Mar 28, 2008
By choosing to love someone else, we open ourselves up to possibilities. Possibilities to experience total bliss, passion, and deep soul satisfaction, as well as the possibility to experience total emotional devastation! But most of us view the possible benefits as being worth the risk, and so we involve ourselves with others to get love.

And therein lies the problem.

Experiencing loneliness and a hunger for companionship, we hide who we really are because we want the approval of others. We go out and do things for other people and behave in ways that we believe will convince them to love us.

We then look for an even exchange of "gimme then I'll give you." We require that others love us the way we want to be loved while we withhold and negotiate for the upper hand. We demand perfection and performance from our partners, while at the same time we are unwilling to make the sacrifices necessary to become the lovable person we seek to have.

In my mind, if you do the things listed above you are not loving; you are efficiently and in a businesslike manner exchanging services.

True love means having concern for and interest in those you are trying to love. Love means accepting them for who and what they are. Love is costly and love is demanding, and love is often very difficult. Love requires that our own thoughts and desires be for another and that self-interests be set aside.

In our "I-I, Me-Me, My-My" society, true love is becoming harder and harder to find.

As we live, we age and then we die. So it is with our relationships. Some relationships have a lifespan of months; others thrive and grow for decades. Equally important to loving is having the ability to let go and move on when love dies.

Some of you may have angrily expressed that these prior broken relationships were a waste of your time. Although you may be hurting from a broken heart, it is foolish to think of any relationship as having no value because it didn't last forever.

Not all relationships are MEANT to last forever... many are just stepping stones on the river of life, there to get you to the other side where you will have become the person you were meant to be.

Change must be expected as one ages and matures. Sometimes you and your partner change together and for the better, and sometimes you don't.

Certain attitudes will perpetuate painful feelings much longer than need be. Attitudes such as "I can't be happy without this person," or "Life without him/her is too hard," or "After all I did, this is how s/he treats me!" or "I will never have another like him/her," won't get you anywhere. Thoughts and attitudes such as these prevent us from letting go, moving on and maturing mentally or emotionally.

Letting go hurts because not only do we let go of our partner, we must let go of all our dreams of a life with them. We let go of our present stage of life and our expectations of that life. We let go of many viewpoints. We let go of identifying ourselves as a part of this relationship, as half a couple with this individual. We must let go and move on from this time of our life, as it is finished and over.

Letting go is bound to cause a deep sense of loss. Loneliness, anger, grief, jealousy, fear of the future, panic, and in some cases, a deep and depressing sense of failure are just a few of the emotions waiting for us at the end of a relationship where we loved deeply.

It hurts, but the hurt is not endless. Time is the ultimate healer. After a few weeks the sharp pains turn into a dull ache, and after a few months you will hopefully be able to take a step back and realistically assess benefits gained from the association.

You can use this time alone wisely for introspection and spiritual development; understand your role in the failure of the relationship and vow to do things differently next time. Make plans for your future, do things you enjoy, or become productive and take care of other matters that need your time and attention.

Sure, you can feel bad all by yourself as the saying goes. But you will never feel as good as you can feel wrapped up in the arms of someone that you love with all your heart.

Always give the gift of love freely, and allow love to come in, sit down, and make a real difference in your life.
About the Author
(c) 2008 Deborrah Cooper. Deborrah has authored dozens of relationship articles and advice columns on
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