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Goofisms: The Worms Have It!

Mar 29, 2008
Big Oil, the meat industry, chemical fertilizer manufacturers and queasy people everywhere are shaking in their boots due to recent scientific and agricultural innovations brought about by worm farming.

The buzz is: worms may well save the planet. Consider: worms are one of the easiest animals in the world to farm, and all you have to do to harvest 100% organic meat is to raise earthworms in organic soil.

Home worm farms are a breeze to set up; they compost your fruit and vegetable waste and your dog and cat's poop; and their droppings diluted in a water solution to the color of a weak tea make the best fertilizer you'll ever use in your garden.

And your fruit and vegetable crops won't be the only bounty you can eat. Raw worms are not the most desirable food, but meat scientists are fascinated with the possibility of processed worm meat.

People will never know what they're eating was ever worms by the time the processors get through with it. It will taste just like beef, chicken, fish, pork or turkey; and processed worms can be poured, mixed and molded to look exactly like those meats, too!

Processed worm meat, which will be branded as "Weat" by a very large agricultural conglomerate that you know very, very well, is coming soon to a store near you. Weat is nearly 100% fat, cholesterol free, low in calories, high in protein and high in fiber.

Having trouble losing weight? Experiments are still in early stages, but the Weat Diet is expected to be the most successful weight-loss and nutrition regimen in the history of dieting.

Worm counters offering battered and fried Weat, Wilk, Wice Cream, Wenderloin and Wurgers will be introduced in every Starbucks and McDonald's in America.

Weat will be the end of world hunger. The State of Utah alone would be able to produce enough Weat to provide Weat for every person in the world, three meals a day, indefinitely!

The global-warming-causing methane and ecosystem-leveling solid toxic waste that's produced by beef, pork and poultry farming will be a thing of the past.

Because worm farms can be packed with worms wall-to-wall and floor-to-ceiling, the farms will be easily designed and manufactured to capture, collect and ship the fertilizer and methane produced by worms for use in all facets of life, business and industry.

Methane is an ideal fuel for creating hydrogen, and the carbon by-product will be easily converted into carbon nanofibers, which are currently revolutionizing every manufacturing process in the world.

And the biggie: worm farms can and will flourish anywhere, and the hydrogen that's produced will be plentiful enough to be piped and tanked short distances to gas stations all over the nation.

As Al Gore has said, "thanks to worms, the hydrogen economy is now finally becoming a reality, and global greenhouse emissions are expected to drop by 50% in a previously unfathomable space of 10 years or less - all due to the humble worm."

Are you Weady for the Wevolution?
About the Author
Mac Bartine writes Goofisms and philosophy for his blog, Ism Mania.
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