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10 Reasons Why Men Don't Like Dating Single Moms

Apr 12, 2008
Though there are lots of men that don't mind dating single mothers, most seem to approach such an involvement with caution. Here are the top 10 reasons men gave for shying away from serious involvements with single Moms.

(1) You Just Can't Get Away.
You are tied down and can't just scamper off for spur of the moment romantic dinners, spontaneous plays or concerts, or midnight breakfasts. Spur-of-the-moment overnight get-aways are out of the question. You have to get a babysitter. You have to make plans in advance. And if you can't find a sitter, or your budget won't allow you to hire one, his desire for a romantic evening or weekend with you goes up in a puff of disappointed smoke.

(2) You Have Children by Numerous Guys.
Most guys accept the fact that our society has changed and that divorce, long-term cohabitation, and just plain carelessness means that there are many women with children in the dating pool. Dealing with one guy about his child or children is usually not much of a problem. However, the chances of "baby daddy drama" increase substantially the more personalities there are involved in the new relationship. Men may stick around for awhile, but few are looking to "wife up" a woman that has that much baggage.

(3) Your Children Are Too Old.
Tim is a 33 year old computer technician in San Jose. He won't date a woman that has children over the age of 8. Tim drew the line after he got hit with that "I don't have to listen to you 'cause you ain't my daddy anyway" line one time too many. He acknowledges that many women make the mistake of telling their young sons that they are "the man of the house," something the young boy may take great pride in. The son will thus challenge any contender to the throne and his power in the household. So for Tim, unless the children are relatively young, he doesn't want to be bothered.

(4) Your Children Are Too Young.
At the other end of the spectrum are men that are run off by a child that is TOO young, like nursery or preschool age. Small children are very Mommy-oriented and require a lot of assistance with everything from bathing to eating. They also require constant watchful attention for their own protection and safety. A man that feels he comes in a distant second to your children may not be so thrilled with the situation and choose instead to date a woman that has more time and energy to expend on him.

(5) "Are You My New Daddy?"
Smart men know that little children get easily attached to people they have fun with. But guys don't want to deal with that emotional quagmire. Should he decide that you two aren't quite right for each other, he is afraid of breaking your innocent child's heart. Many men therefore shy away from heavy involvements with single Moms, and put up roadblocks or shy away from meeting or spending any time with her children.

(6) He's a Lover, Not a Fighter.
Realistically, after a breakup or divorce, children are usually pretty negative about some new person coming into Mommy or Daddy's life. It ruins their fantasy of the parents getting back together. They may even feel that this new guy is "taking you away" and lash out, behaving in a manner so rude and horrible that you are embarrassed to be his or her mother! Your new beau is not so attached to you yet that he wants to put the energy into developing a relationship with any child who sees him as the enemy.

(7) Your Sex Life is M.I.A..
Many men feel awkward about being seen the next morning getting out of "Mommy's" bed. Mom can't spend the night away from the children, so there may be a problem finding time for intimate private time. I heard a story recently about a guy that would go through a big production worthy of an Oscar! He'd go about saying goodnight to the children and actually get into his car and drive off. But, he'd hang out at a corner coffee shop for about 30 minutes, then circle back around and come in after the children were in bed and asleep. He would get up and leave early in the morning, before they woke up. So his date's children never, ever saw him in bed or suspected he was in bed with their Mom.

(8) He's Not Trying to Be a Captain.
Money is usually tight for single Moms, and paying $30-50 per date for a babysitter is not something most can do every weekend. Should a single Mom ask her date to contribute to babysitting fees? Or is that something an understanding man would offer to do just because? Some men will offer, but others see babysitting as Mom's expense. Additionally, dating a single Mom will usually mean the boyfriend will be called upon to help with sudden expenses and other bills involving the household and/or children. Some men consider this type of thing to be a drain on their resources.

(9) Your Little Darlings Are Devils on Wheels.
One of the top reasons men gave for not wanting to date single Moms involves his stance on discipline.

"There is an apparent role reversal and the children tell the MOTHER what to do! These women have no control over their children!" exclaimed Darius, a 35 year old high school math teacher. He says that if he doesn't like how they are talking to her, he pulls her aside to see if she can correct the problem. Knowing "his place" most men, just like Darius, won't say anything, but they are watching to see how you handle it. When Moms allow their children to run wild, talk back, or use foul language, Darius quickly moves on.

(10) Mom Demonstrates Resentment Towards HIS Children.
Several men I spoke with have children from previous marriages or relationships themselves, and have close contact with their children, over and above that dictated by child custody and visitation orders. They all reported at one time or another dating a woman with children of her own that expressed resentment that they did more with and for their own children than they did with and for hers. These extremely family oriented and very loving men abandoned these budding relationships without looking back.

Get It Together!
A new romance is exciting and invigorating, and something each of us would love to experience. But you cannot ever forget that you still have children and that you need to be there for them 100%. A new man or woman is not going to magically fix what is wrong with your life. Relationships are not designed to be distractions from your new responsibilities as a single parent. If your life is a big mess, get busy straightening it out!

Set up schedules for everyone so that your children are provided with a sense of stability. Establish a discipline/reward system so each child knows their responsibilities, the household rules, and what the repercussions are if either is ignored. Get yourself a job with a higher salary and hours that work better for your family's schedule.

Get things running smoothly so that it is obvious to a new man coming into your life that you have things fully under control and are ready for a new love.
About the Author
(c)2008 Deborrah Cooper. Deborrah has authored dozens of relationship articles and advice columns on Ask HeartBeat!, which focuses on modern relationships for teens and adults. Her dating guide Sucka Free Love! provides street-smart, hilarious insight into the toughest issues facing singles today. Check out The Sucka Free Dating Radio Talk Show on Wednesday night at 8:00 pm PST.
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