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Healing The Pain Of An Affair

May 7, 2008
The pain caused by a marital affair can be extremely powerful. Within the process of recovery, there are three factors, the two members of the couple and the relationship itself. The relationship is its own entity and is damaged by the affair along with the two people. Also, remember that the guilty party will experience pain along with the betrayed spouse.

Affair Recovery - what it takes is patience and the perseverance to make things work despite what has happened. An affair shakes the very foundations of a marriage, but need not destroy them if the right work is done. Both husband and wife first need to make a commitment to mending the union.

As you recover from an affair, it can help to stop and recall what things made your marriage strong and happy in the past. Keep a positive focus, thinking about the good times you've had instead of dwelling on the painful experience of deceit and infidelity. Take time to recall why you were first attracted to your spouse.

Once the positives have been put on the table, a next step is trying to identify exactly what changed and upset the stability of the marriage. Happy and satisfied mates rarely stray, so there is a need to pinpoint what went wrong and why with the intent of changing the negative situation.

In order for both husband and wife to recover from the affair, they need to show deep honesty about what events and emotions led to the problem. As you discuss these issues, try to use \"I\" statements instead of \"You\" statements; for example, rather than saying \"You make me feel bad when you do that\" try saying \"I feel bad when you do that.\" Take ownership of your emotions instead of just hurling accusations.

Deep honesty means letting out all of the hurt and not carrying the baggage of unresolved feelings. In affair recovery each must get in touch with their own core values, hopes, and dreams as well as acknowledging their own and their spouse's anger and pain.

The help of a third, unbiased person is often needed for recovery, as an outside party can bring a new understanding of the broken marriage's dynamics and can provide advice on how to heal. You could visit a marriage counselor, a clergy member, or simply ask for help from a friend that both of you trust. Both husband and wife can benefit from getting an outside opinion. Remember to take the third person's counseling experience into consideration. Infidelity is a difficult hurt to heal so be sure to seek qualified advice.

It is not easy to rebuild trust after an extramarital affair, but it can be done! The two of you once shared enough strength to join together and start a family, and you can use that strength to try again. Neither of you should downplay your pain, but you should not focus too much on it either. You cannot change the past, but the future holds so much possibility. Affair recovery can happen when the couple looks forward and sees that their marriage is strong enough to withstand this test.
About the Author
Infidelity creates a pain like no other. At the Affair Recovery Center we know from experience. We can help you cope with infidelity. Don't suffer another day. Start healing from infidelity right now.
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