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Separating or Divorce - A Tangle Until the End

Jun 10, 2008
Divorce and the Family

For those who have never been involved in divorce, or for those who have brushed past it but never quite understood the intensity. Divorce is one big tangle that never really unravels. Five years on from a divorce, the parents are still surviving, although remaining bitter. The children are still shell shocked.

As adults we all can handle the tangle, but the children are not mature enough to comprehend the frustration, and what appears at times, to be the 'lack of love'. This confusion carries on into their early adulthood. There are two particularly common side effects that happen as a consequence of splitting up; one is dyslexia, and the other is wetting the bed.

Although this observation within a marriage breakup sounds harsh for the children, there is no suggestion that a family should stick together for the sake of the children. This option may seem feasible and many have weathered the storm, but a different type of problem is created; a different type of confusion. The children will see a life without the comfort of love and as a consequence could reach adulthood with no expectancy of forming a relationship.

Love is what makes the world go around, without it your children will grow up living a sheltered and unfulfilled life. We cannot bring a child into a family and allow them to see two parents fighting and arguing all of the time.

Financial Issues in Family matters

Finance in separation and divorce is complicated; who owns which debt, who owns which car and who owns which property. Untangling finances is one of the most difficult aspects of ending a long term relationship or marriage. You could find yourself dividing savings, splitting the furniture; and on top of all that paying out maintenance to your other half. Maintenance incidentally can be claimed from either the male or female after the breakup.

According to lawyers it is generally the woman who comes out on top. This is either when an agreement is reached by two legal representatives, or if it necessary, when the couple have needed to go to court.

Often overlooked initially, in the heat of separation, the finances become a big issue. What in theory would be ideal, is that the couple sell everything, pay all outstanding bills, and then equally divide. But along with the theory comes the impracticalities of each parent finding somewhere else to live, the furniture, valuables, bank balances, secret stashes of cash and memorabilia from both childhood and parents.

One amusing but real example was when a separated couple had no legal representative as the adults thought they could sort it out themselves. The male partner had gone back 'up north' to his parents and asked if his ex-partner could sell the BMW and send him half the money. She sent him a payment for 5... Rather than sell it for a realistic price, she sold it for 10, got a receipt, then halved the total received and sent it to her ex-partner.

Domestic Violence and Child Abduction

Access to children is another area that often is only resolved by attending court. Both the father and the mother deserve access to see their children, but it can lead to further disagreements. These unsavory moments can include further financial issues, access problems and parental guidance.

One parent may suggest one particular way to deal with a situation and the other parent is deliberately opposite in view. Although unpleasant, both parents use each situation as another option to be bitter and twisted. It is often witnessed that parents use their children as bullets during these periods of access. This will also add to the negativity within the mind of the child.


What funded one household will now be supporting two homes, so at least some financial adjustment will be needed, and you may not be that happy with the final result. You will be entering a new phase in your life; the sooner you can adjust the better.

As for the children, keep them out and away from arguments and aggression. Allow them to grow up with love in their house. As far as the children's 'rights' and 'wrongs' apply, it is prudent for parents to agree to disagree... Wherever possible if parents could agree with one of the parents' rules, preferably with the parent that they are living with; rather than insist upon some new rules every time the children change hands.

Mr. P. Booker
Divorce Mediator
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