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A Recipe for Prize-Winning Email Spam

Jun 17, 2008
This articles explains how spammers cook up a spam message. This includes all the ingredients and directions on how they cook the ultimate spam delicacy!

A complete and total lack of ethics
A good-sized serving of greed
One bushel of unnecessary products
One large cup of business ruthlessness
A dash of familiarity with spam filters
Several packages of innocent victims

Cooking Instructions:
The most important step in preparing the perfect spam is sanitization. Be sure to scrub all traces of decency and ethical behavior from yourself before attempting this recipe, as any leftover honesty or integrity will result in sub-par spam.

To start, gently fold together the large cup of business ruthlessness and your generous serving of greed. 'Financial Gain' brand greed is best in this recipe, though other brands of greed may be used, such as 'Greed for Power.'

Add your bushel of unnecessary or nonexistent products. There are several tasty version of this recipe, and here's where you can choose which flavor you like best; choose from poor-quality drugs, get rich quick schemes, work from home scams, and male augmentation. All are equally tasty.

Blend carefully.

Once your spam message is well mixed, spoon it into an Anti Spam Filter (ASF) Rewriter. Let cool. Scrape off all grease and nastiness, and set aside-- spammers will want reserve this ingredient for use on a website.

Once spun and blended, scoop your message into a prepared blank email. Then sprinkle email addresses from your packet of innocent victims into email. Send.

Congratulations! You've created the perfect spam. Now after a quick cleaning to wipe up any spilled ingredients (you'll want to wear gloves for this-- it's nasty stuff), you just sit back and wait for your customers to come.

Serving Suggestions:
This recipe makes enough for millions of servings. And while it's important to have a highly useless product, presentation affects this recipe, as well. When presenting your newly-cooked spam, keep in mind your serving options:

Shouting: Want your well-cooked spam to get noticed? Use all caps and plenty of exclamation marks!

Best Buddy: Shouting seem like 'too much' for this batch of spam? Try being the recipient's best buddy instead. 'Saw this and thought of you,' and 'Can you believe what he did?' are nice options. Want to make your dish extra special? Toss in 're:' to make it appear a replied-to message. Creative genius!

Surprise Them: Don't be boring-- surprise all recipients with your specially prepared spam. Find people who didn't sign up for and don't want your products. Great addresses are available online or for purchase.

Fix What's Not Wrong: Worried that recipients don't need some of the great ingredients in your special Spam? Don't! Instead, create a need by implying they have problems they don't have-- then offer them crappy drugs, scammy get rich quick programs, etc., to fix their new problem.

Tips for Recipients:
Had more than your fill of tasty spam and starting to feel a little ill? Here are some tips to help soothe your stomach:

- Check the privacy policies of all companies you submit an email address to.
- Never reply to spam, never click on a link in a spam message, even to unsubscribe. This shows spammers that yours is a valid email, and they will surely hit it again.
- Never give your email address anywhere online. If you have to, spell it out.
- Get a good anti-spam email filter. If your email service providers doesn't offer one (most do) find one elsewhere.
About the Author
Jes Darmanin works at GFI Software: a company that creates professional anti spam software for servers. More information about GFI MailEssentials - The leading server antispam solution on http://www.gfi.com/mes
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