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Love Advice For Boomers - 5 Amazing Steps To Find A Mate

Jun 26, 2008
During my career as an astrological consultant, I've helped a number of clients get back into the dating game after long layoffs. You don't have to know anything about astrology to go through the surprising steps below, although an astrological consultation can help you identify key times when you're most likely to be successful at finding love again. Since the process of finding a mate or new relationship is not what most people would expect, I'm sharing these not-so-easy but very successful steps to finding love when you've been single for awhile.

Step 1: Wake-up Attraction. The first surprising step on the path to true love is a failed attraction. Suddenly, you turn from Mr. or Ms. Long-Time Single And Not Really Complaining About It into Mr. or Ms. Boomer Has a Hopeless Crush. You meet someone through work, run into an old flame, or develop a yen for a new neighbor.

These attractions are often "in the stars," although you won't usually realize this at the time. But the crush comes with an expiration date, an obstacle, a delusion, or some element of futility. Whoever it is that you have a crush on--it just won't work. Your crush is unavailable, doesn't reciprocate the feelings, or something else equally heartbreaking.

But that doesn't mean the crush is stupid or negative. Just the opposite. It's crucial. It stirs up hormones, revives hopes, awakens the heart, tugs at sensual memories and makes you realize why love and relationships are such wonderful things. It makes you want to establish an exclusive romantic commitment again. These crushes are gifts.

Step 2: Grieving/Clearing. The failed attraction then sets off a period of doubt and self-questioning, loneliness and difficult feelings. The astrology of attraction is replaced by the astrology of confrontation with the self and with the past. Uncomfortable but incredibly valuable emotions and memories come back into consciousness. You find yourself grieving the lack of relationship in your life.

You question the relationship patterns you've exhibited thus far. Negative assumptions get dragged up and pushed toward the light. "I'm too old and fat now;" "It's always been so hard for me to meet people;" "Sometimes I think like there is something really wrong with me;" "I have a great personality but men never seem to go for me."

This difficult time is also crucial. This is the time when fallacies and fears are confronted and laid to rest; old wounds are grieved and cleared. This is also the time when counseling or a consultation or even talking your feelings out with friends can make all the difference in the world. This is when you can learn an almost entirely new way of relating. You can learn to stop harboring negative ideas about your lovability, because you are forced to question your own beliefs and patterns.

People often seem to think that they are the only ones who harbor terrible doubts and fears, when in reality they seem to be nearly universal. As long as these thoughts remain below the surface they block relationship; the often painful process of becoming aware of them is the beginning of liberation.

Step 3: Becoming a Butterfly. Nothing motivates like emotional pain, and what it usually motivates is a desire to become attractive again. For women, a key part of the process seems to be reconnecting with girly desires to be beautiful. A new haircut, a new hair color, new shoes, new underwear, a nice dress, or a pretty piece of jewelry fit the bill. For men, taking action often means getting in touch with their masculinity. Taking action on desire (e.g., by going to gym to get in better shape) often seems to begin a snowball process of other actions that lead to more opportunities to meet and/or date people.

Step 4: Changing Your Routine. Again, a crucial step. When the stars throw your life into disarray, they also open up opportunities for change. Now's the time to respond to restlessness by doing something you ordinarily would never do. Join an online community, takes an adult education class in a subject you don't normally have much interest in, sign up for a sports league, take a vacation with a group, scare the wits out of yourself by going skydiving. Ironically, it is when you do something unlike yourself that you emit a "vibe" that indicates you're open to connecting with someone new.

Step 5: Finding a New Problem. You might think that getting yourself in shape, getting out and about and engaging in new activities would cause love to fall in your lap. Strangely, instead, it's right about the time that a new problem crops up in your life that the old one of not having a relationship gets solved. When a new problem comes along, you no longer have the time or energy to obsess over finding a partner or mate because you have your hands full. The self-consciousness that once dogged you when you thought about dating again goes by the wayside as you deal with your crashed car, your new and challenging job, or your nasty IRS audit. The stars come to your rescue by giving you a distraction to deal with.

And then bam! the last hurdle to a relationship is cleared. Somehow you're spending a lot of time at the law firm that's handling your IRS case and somehow it seems natural that you should end up going to dinner with one of the lawyers from another division and somehow it seems natural that you really like each other a lot and...

Love happens when you least expect it. Except that I've come to expect it by now. I went through this process; my boyfriend went through this process; my friends have gone through this process and my clients have gone through this process. And I'll bet that if you keep this article handy then one day, you'll get your chance to go through it too.
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