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Self Knowledge Leads to Healthier Relationships

Jul 10, 2008
The question, "Who are you?" has been asked since the dawn of communication. In reality, knowing who you are and knowing who you pretend to be are two different aspects. So few of us really truly know who we are. We have great ideas about who we might be, and we usually know who we want to be, but we rarely understand exactly who we are.

We have been taught to be inauthentic throughout our lives. We have been warned to mold with the majority, allow others only to see the good in us, and to trust in the judgment of others more so than our own. Inauthentic behaviors land us good jobs, nice partners, and even great kids. Unlearning the process of being inauthentic is rather difficult, even painful, but so well worth the journey. In fact, those who know themselves well enough to trust in their own judgment are the happiest, most effective people on the planet, not to mention have the most successful relationships.

Well, it is time to unlearn. Unlearning starts with your basic belief structure about who you really might be. Are you a good person? Are you someone who has cheated on your wife? Are you big and alive and bold or are you timid and scared and quiet? Often we confuse who we really are with you we have been pretending to be all these years. In fact, we've gotten so good at being inauthentic that we are readily able to fool ourselves into believing that is really us.

Knowing who you really are creates better relationship. It creates authentic relationships as well as consistent behaviors that reflect who we are. You can't get consistent behavior if you always have to try to remember who you are supposed to be. You can't get real with someone if you always have to remember the lies you told to impress someone. Men who know who they are no longer seem aloof, but present. Women who know themselves make it through their day with less drama and fewer unsatisfactory moments. These are really good trade offs for the work you do.

So often we believe that we must be awesome because look at how many friends we have and who likes us. Yet we have forgotten that those friends don't know us, they know the version we have projected upon them. Perhaps we have five great friends who we think care about us. How can they if we aren't giving our true selves to the world or our relationship?

Opting to be someone different than who you really are gives off some really strange cues to other people. Not only will you eventually get caught in some of the smaller lies that you have told as you begin to grow comfortable with the relationship, but you have to go back through the process once more of getting to know someone and hoping that they like you and dealing with all that stress.

One of the biggest issues men have with creating their persona is that they listen to the woman they are with. Women listen to other women. So let's say you with three different women in as many days. By the end of three days you have been the tough and aloof guy with strong protective tendencies, a soft hearted metro who just finished reading "the best book ever," and some guy who just became a "yes man."

On day number four, how comfortable are you when you go to meet your buddies? You have just thrown out all of these pretend assets and then and you don't own any of them, and now your behavior has changed once more. Your friends are starting to believe Prozac is in your future and you can't remember which lie you told whom.

Women often go through the same process, they just do it differently. Women often don't know who they are any more than a guy does. Women also have more freedom to change from day to day, especially when it comes to outward appearance. Experimentation is more acceptable. So, when you try out different personas and change the impression you are giving people, nobody really knows where you are coming from, what you're all about, and what to expect next. This translates into behaviors that people find erratic and inconsistent.

If you really want to be radically different, try going all out full fledged you uncensored. Throw away all the beliefs that society has taught us about not being ourselves, not saying what we mean, not letting people know we might have a feeling or two, and not being weak. Two things are bound to happen when you completely remove your own censorship. First, you are going to lose some friends and possibly the woman you are interested in.

Women will lose a few less friends because women operate on a totally different relationship level. Your partner can try this too and the two of you can have a lot of fun dealing with the world for awhile. Just give it as you see it all the time, one hundred percent. The second amazing thing that will happen is that a whole new group of people will eventually become attracted to you, and the people you will attract are also going to be more authentic.

Why would you do this? Why would want to shed the life you have and go radically honest and real on people? Maybe you don't. But how well is your method working for you? Are you getting what you want from your relationships? Are you feeling comfortable and relaxed in the world you have created? I am not advocating being mean or telling your significant other that she's a worthless sac. I am talking about just being honest.

Like when she changes her mind, which never happens, right? Don't guess and run through hoops, just state the obvious to you. "Well, you said this before and now you're saying that. So how am I supposed to know what you really need?" No filters, no games, just the truth and BAM, now it's on her. If she can't handle the truth about her own behavior, then maybe it's time to consider finding someone who can, especially if you're being nice about it.

It's really not that hard to be honest without being a jerk. Usually, once you start being real, so does everyone else around you. Which means you get to hear about when you are being a jerk. It doesn't have to mean anything more than information, though, remember? It is information that tells you what your partner wants, expects, and thinks and it is up to you to either give it power or not. If she says she doesn't want you seeing your friends because she doesn't like them, obviously, that's not something worth changing for her. But you can tell her, "Hey, I like them and I get something from hanging out with them. I will make you a deal and I won't see them on Friday night and spend that time with you, but I will see them when it works."

That's not only fair, but you have managed to remove drama, remove accusation, and remove the potential for one of those really pretty three days arguments. Honesty can really be refreshing for you, and refreshing for those around you. As men, we have been taught so much as fact that just isn't true. If you really care about someone and care about your future with her, the greatest thing you can do for each other is give up a little truth.
About the Author
If you have found my article interesting, I have come across a site which is at the moment giving away a massive free Book titled Secrets To Dating Beautiful Women. I have personally found this one of the best books on the subject of Dating and Relationships and I highly recommend you read it. It's a must read.
Download it from;
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