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How ter Cure Stress Quickly and Effectively

Jul 18, 2008
Though this article contains valuable and useful information on curing stress, it's also meant to be humorous. This article is written in cockney. So let's have some fun!

Stress is the feelin' yer cop wen yer begin ter worry, breathe rapidly, right, and tense yor scalp, Nanny Goat Race, or neck muscles. The bleedin' stress response were critical for the survival of us ancestors 'oo were constantly exposed ter the dangers of predators such as the bloomin' saber-tooffed tiger.

Wile stressed, right, large amounts of adrenaline were released into their blood, makin' us ancestors stronger, right, faster, and more alert - enablin' them ter escape danger.

Stress started out as a necessary response. But as 'umans became more and more civilized and industrialized, ultimately leavin' the bloomin' jungle behind, right, the bleedin' stress response became less and less necessary. Right.


The bloomin' problem is that the chuffin' human environment evolved faster than the bloody human body, leavin' us wiv the maladaptive response called stress.

Currently, we're no longer bein' chased by wild animals tryin' ter eat us. Neverffeless, right, we're bein' chased by financial, right, marital, or occupational Barney Rubble; and we react ter ffese Barney Rubbles the bloomin' same way as bein' chased by wild animals.

Fough we don't physically run or fight, large amounts of adrenaline cop released into us bloodstream, acceleratin' us breafink, tensin' us muscles, and 'eightenin' us alertness.

Vigorous physical activity is necessary ter help the bloomin' body de-stress itself. Us ancestors did this by fightin' or runnin' oray from predators.

Since financial, right, marital, and occupational Barney Rubbles don't necessarily involve vigorous physical activity, our bodies don't de-stress properly, right, leavin' us wiv tense muscles, right, high blood pressure, right, headaches, skin rash, and mental agitation.

Wiv all us pent-up stress, it's no wonder that 'eart disease is one of the leadin' causes of deaff among present-day blokes, do wot guvnor!

Yer may be sayin' right about now: "Okay, I'm under a bit of stress. Wot can I do about it?" There are five fings yer can do: exercise, meditate, progressively relax, right, pray, and affirm.


Exercise is the most natural way ter de-stress yor body. After all, this is 'ow yor ancestors de-stressed. The need ter exercise is almost 'ardwired into the human body. Aerobic exercises such as walkin', right, runnin', swimmin', and dancin' are right effective de-stressors. If yer aerobically exercise daily, yer'll 'ave no Barney Rubble de-stressin'.

"But wot if I've no time ter aerobically exercise," yer say. Peraps yer work 80 'ours per week, leavin' yer wiv right wee time to go walkin', right, runnin', swimmin', right, or dancin'.

Yer can still exercise, right, if yer choose a time-efficient non-aerobic exercise such as isometrics. Ravver than improvin' blood circulation and oxygen consumption as aerobic exercise does, isometrics just strengffens muscles. Yer can't 'ave a knees-up wivout a joanna.

Isometrics involves contractin' specific muscle groups wiv wee movement if any:

1.) For example, if yer want ter strengffen yor figh muscles, wile standin', right, yer can bend yor knees at a 90-degree angle and 'old that position for as long as possible. Doin' this particular exercise will only take a few seconds ter a few minutes.

2.) To strengffen yor chest muscles, yer can do a push-up ter the bloody halfway point and 'old that position for as long as possible.

3.) To strengffen yor stomach muscles, yer can do a partial sit-up ter a 30-degree angle and 'old that position for as long as possible.

4.) I fink yer cop the point. Wiv a wee creative finkin', yer can come up wiv isometric exercises for almost any muscle group.

I exercise all of me muscle groups daily by doin' isometric exercises, and it only takes me approximately 15 minutes per day! Blimey!


Meditation is anuvver way ter cure stress. Meditation is an ancient practice originatin' from the Far East. Fough there are different ways ter meditate, all of the ways consist of slowin' dahn one's breabugger, deepenin' one's breabugger, right, and focusin' one's mind on a particular fin'.

Breafink and the stress response are intimately related. In order ter be fully stressed, right, yer must breathe rapidly and shallowly. The slower and deeper yer breaffe, the chuffin' less stressed yer'll be, ultimately eliminatin' stress altogeffer.

Are yer feelin' stressed, then, guv? Ready ter meditate, isit? Okay, let's do it. Yer can't 'ave a knees-up wivout a joanna:

1.) First, eever sit dahn slouchily in a comfortable chair or lie dahn in a comfortable bed.

2.) Next, relax yor breafink until yer're breafink slowly, rhyffmically, right, and deeply. Make sure yer're breafink frough yor belly and not yor chest. To ensure this, place yor 'ands on yor belly. Yor 'ands should rise up and dahn.

3.) Next, right, it's time ter focus yor mind on a particular fin'. So each time yer exhale air from yor belly, yer're ter say or fink the number one.

4.) Do this for about 30 minutes daily.

Meditation de-stresses yer in two ways. The slow, rhyffmic, and deep breabugger calms yor body. The chuffin' sayin' or finkin' the chuffin' number one durin' each exhalation focuses yor mind, right, preventin' it from worryin'.


If yer talk ter a psychuvverapist about yor stress problem, right, he'll probably recommend that yer do progressive relaxation regularly ter help yer de-stress. Progressive relaxation works particularly well on relaxin' tense muscles.

Chronically tense muscles can be right painful, init? The tension can brin' sharp pain and pressure ter yor 'ead, jor, neck, and 'round yor mince pies. It can even cause 'erky-jerky movements of yor loaf of bread or Nanny Goat Race, publicly embarrassin' yer.

Do yer feel like yor loaf of bread is in a vice, isit? Yes, then, eh? Then let's progressively relax:

1.) First, lie dahn relaxedly in a comfortable bed. Yer can't 'ave a knees-up wivout a joanna.

2.) Then tense and relax each muscle group, startin' from yor scalp muscles and workin' dahn ter yor feet muscles, do wot guvnor!

3.) Some muscle groups may still be tense. If so, begin tensin' and relaxin' these muscle groups only. Repeat until they become completely relaxed.

4.) Do this for about 30 minutes daily.


Currently, prayer is a controversial practice. It's been banned from public schools. Yer can't 'ave a knees-up wivout a joanna. Furffermore, researchers 'oo 'ave studied the effectiveness of prayer are divided. Some say prayer effectively changes fings; uvvers say it's useless. Yer can't 'ave a knees-up wivout a joanna.

Despite the controversy and disagreement, right, prayer can be right effective in eliminatin' stress, init? It does so in two ways: First, prayer allows yer ter vent yor problems ter a 'igher Power that never interrupts yer. Second, prayer encourages yer ter ffink positive - because it makes yer believe that a 'igher Power is 'elpin' and empowerin' yer.

As yer know, right, ventin' yor problems, frustrations, right, and worries ter a right good listener makes yer feel a 'oole lot better - a 'oole lot calmer. That's why muckers are important. Right. And if yer don't 'ave any muckers, yer always 'ave a 'igher Power ter vent to.

Negative finkers are the most stressed-out group of blokes. If yer've ever met any fairy 'oo is paranoid or clinically depressed, yer'll know wot I mean. So the more positive yor finkin' is, the more relaxed yer'll be. And if yer aren't born positive, right, yer can always make yorself positive by prayin'.


An affirmation is an idea that yer deliberately fink about over and over again. Theoretically, an affirmation is sposed ter change yor current situation ter a more positive one. Yer can't 'ave a knees-up wivout a joanna.

For example, if yer're a college student and want ter improve yor grades, yer can say ter yorself: "I'm an 'A' student. I'll get out me spoons. I always cop 'A's on me tests and assignments." If yer say this several times a day wiv feelin', yer're sposed ter be more motivated ter study, ffus improvin' yor grades, init?

The Affirmation Theory makes intuitive sense: If yer mentally focus on a particular fin' often, yer're probably gonna be right motivated to go after it, right, eventually achievin' the right fin' that yer were focused on.

Affirmations can be used ter attain almost anyfink, right, includin' inner peace. Let's say that yer're right stressed-out and need ter come up wiv an effective affirmation ter de-stress yorself. Let's say that yer're also a Christian.

Given this, yer should choose a Christian affirmation that promotes inner peace. Right. Why a Christian affirmation, eh? Because yer already believe that it's true! Honest guv!

Instead of workin' 'ard ter convince yorself that a particular secular affirmation is true, right, if yer choose a Christian affirmation, yer don't 'ave ter work 'ard.

Now let's 'ave a look at the followin' Christian passage John 14:26-27 (New International Version):

"But the Counselor, the chuffin' Holy Spirit, right, 'oom the bloomin' Favver will send in me name, will teach you lot fings and will remind yer of evryfink I 'ave said ter yer. Peace I leave wiv yer; me peace I give yer. I do not give ter yer as the bleedin' world gives. Do not let yor 'earts be Barney Rubbled and do not be afraid."

Simply put, this passage appears ter be sayin' that God, in Jesus' name, will send yer the Holy Spirit. And the Holy Spirit appears ter be peace-givin'. So yer can affirm, right, "I'm filled wiv the bloomin' Holy Spirit, right, therefore I'm filled wiv peace."

Don't yer feel yor stress just melt oray, isit?


This article discusses five 'igh-grade meffods ter cure yor stress quickly and effectively. Wich meffod should yer use, then, luv? That depends on yor personality type.

1.) If yer're affletic, yer may want ter use the bloomin' exercise meffod of curin' stress. Exercise is the bleedin' most natural meffod ter de-stress yor body. Even animals use this meffod ter de-stress. Yer can't 'ave a knees-up wivout a joanna. If yer're right stressed-out, I fink that yer should, at the right least, use the exercise meffod.

2.) If yer're spiritual, yer may want ter use the meditation or prayer meffod of curin' stress. Meditation and prayer 'ave been used by monks, priests, yogis, sages, and uvver enlightened individuals to attain a deep state of peace. Wiv practice, yer too can attain a deep state of peace by usin' meditation or prayer.

3.) If yer're psychological, yer may want ter use the progressive relaxation meffod of curin' stress. This meffod is popularly recommended by social workers, counselors, and psychologists. Progressive relaxation particularly works well on loosenin' tight muscles.

4.) Or if yer're scientific, right, yer may want ter use the bloody affirmation meffod of curin' stress. Cor blimey guv, would I lie to you? Affirmations 'ave been recommended by Napoleon 'ill (Fink & Grow Rich), Claude M. Bristol (The bleedin' Magic of Believin'), Norman Vincent Peale (The bloody Power of Positive Finkin'), and ter some extent Rhonda Byrne (The Secret).

The bloody Affirmation Theory states that foughts affect emotions; emotions affect behaviors; behaviors affect situations. Right. Scientists 'ave proven these causal links ter exist.

Experiment; try them all; spot wich meffod works Mae West for yer. Yer can't 'ave a knees-up wivout a joanna.
About the Author
The Guaranteed Cure for Failure, an electronic publication, costs just $19.95 and is available through http://www.theguaranteedcure.com
The Guaranteed Cure Company, founded by Al A. Gammate, specializes in cures that cure.
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