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How to deal with an affair when your spouse cheats on you.

Jul 22, 2008
Finding your partner to be cheating on you can be the worst experience you can imagine in your whole life. There are actually a hundred stories of deceit, how the cheating partner managed to cover up the affair for a long time, and the stories of cheated partners who have gotten hysterical when they found out about the affair. Movies had exploited these situations a hundred of times, from the wife going to the other girl's house to slap and humiliate her, the husband going to a night club and resorting to a prostitute's service to get even on her cheating wife, to tragic stories of murder and suicides. They were all part of the director's imagination but sometimes, we may even find ourselves in these situations when we found out that our seemingly perfect partners in life are cheating on us. Yes, it is normal to be hurt. It is part of our emotional system to find a way to release stress and so we resort on some things which we think we are out of control. But you should think of this. After all the emotional release, what will happen to you and your partner's relationship next? How can someone deal with the fact that your partner is having an affair without letting herself or himself get carried away?

First is to gather your wits and remain calm, however painful and unsavory it is. Try to control the situation by gathering your emotions. Let yourself grieve because it is your right to be angry, no matter what the kind of relationship you had in the past. But give yourself a breather once in a while while mourning just to gradually release yourself from the pain rather than letting loose of youself thru emotional outbursts.

Secondly, again this will take intense humility and self-control to the offended party, is setting-up a conversation. Discussion leads to understanding and understanding leads to options. You can do this with only the two of you talking or if both parties agree, with a neutral third party who can help you see things which both of you may neglect because of the emotional tension both covering the two of you. Set a definite time for these when both parties are calm and sane enough to discuss. After all, your marriage deserves a chance to the informations you will come up from having this kind of talk.

To be able to answer this, you should first consider the other aspects of your life rather than focusing on each other's personal happiness. You have already invested on a lot of things as you went on your married life - your home, children, relatives, friends, and finances are all a part of these. It was not only about feeling married but having a life together. And you have to consider all of these aspects when you decide whether you want to commit yourself again to the same person you are with when you started your life you are now into.

In choosing the right person who will mediate you in the process of resolving, in case you have decided to seek one, choose the one who will see the situation in general and who does not tend to incline on either party. Do not feel embarrassed that you have to undergo this kind of discussion. A professional counselor, a spiritual elder, a trusted mature friend, these can prove valuable to the couple and could offer insights, observations and options that the couple might not be able to see right away amid the hurt. Professional counselors would also have the scientific tools, exercises and methods with which to encourage dialogue that the couple might otherwise not have access to. Upon knowing the reason why the marriage is failing will help you assess your personalities at the same time. In fact, even though you are still hurting on these moments, it may be the perfect time for growth. Take this opportunity to re-examine your expectations and inspirations within your marriage and maybe even improve your confidence and well-being.

When a couple decide that reconciliation is still possible, there will be a time for adjustment just like when a garterized tie was extended by force, it will take a period of time before it goes to its same appearance again. Take this as a breather for both you. An advantageous breather when both individuals can work on their personal strengths. The offending party can cease on seeing the third party and refocus on the qualities of his spouse why he had loved her on the first place. The offended party on the other hand can start to work on repairing herself again and regain the self-esteem that may have lost during the process. Then do the works together. Take the time out for one another, revisit or remake your rituals as a couple and the like. Intimacy has to be rebuilt from the ground up - in the little, permanent, everyday things within the marriage - a stark contrast to the heady, clandestine, short term feel of an affair.

In general, dealing with a cheating partner is not about getting even, but modestly facing the challenge that the situation puts you into and taking it as an opportunity to take your married life into a deeper and stronger union.
About the Author
Carmela King is a member of 000relationships.com. She has been writing articles primarily on how to attract men and how to attract women.
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