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Why Won't He Commit? Avoid Wasting Dating Time and Love on a Non-Committal Relationship

Aug 1, 2008
Can you tell from conversation, behavior, or observations when a guy you are dating is likely to commit? What is it that lets you know that the wonderful fella you are falling for is willing and able to commit to a solid, loving, long-term relationship?

Selfishness is a Red Flag

At 42, Charlene has dated plenty of men. Though she's been ready to settle down for several years, she's discovered that finding the right man is more challenging than she ever imagined.

"I can usually tell a man is not ready [for commitment] by his behavior. I usually can tell he is not ready if he is selfish in his action... if it is all about him all the time. I feel that anyone that is selfish could not be ready for a relationship which requires giving of yourself, your time, energy and heart. That person only has the ability to love themselves, and no one else. A selfish acting man is always looking for the next best thing and will eventually leave for greener pastures. He wants to get more than what he is getting now."

Roaming Eyes Make Her See Clearly

La'Raine works in the Washington, D.C. area and meets attractive, professional men just about every day. She is still single at 37 and also finds dating to be a disappointing experience.

"I have been told that I am a nice looking woman, but I have noticed men have roaming eyes. No matter how nice the women they are with looks! When I am talking to guy and he is looking around at every woman that pass by, that lets me know he is not totally focused on me."

"And I believe that if a man is ready to commit to you he will show it in the time he spends with you. He will call often and take an interest in your life; he makes an investment in you. I learned the hard way that when a guy you are dating has trouble defining the relationship (i.e., he always introduces the woman who thinks they're really dating romantically as his friend, his co-worker, his neighbor, etc. and never uses the "girlfriend" identifier, this is a problem. And he is not ready to give himself totally."

A List of 10 Non-Committal Male Behaviors

A woman can easily fantasize having a relationship with someone, and assume that because they have no reservations of committing to that gentleman they are making a mature decision. That is a false assumption.

Women are often so hungry for love and a relationship that they allow their fantasies of a perfect love to blind them to reality.

To help such women I've pulled together a list of the 10 most common behaviors exhibited by a man totally uninterested in commitment. Well, at least he isn't interested in a committed relationship with YOU:

1. He pulls back when you express a desire for more. He may use excuses like being hurt before, work, school, ex, children, etc.;

2. He tends to be defensive and vague about details of his life when you ask basic types of "getting to know you" questions.

3. Other aspects of his life always take priority over you. You may be stood up, not called if he is going to be late, or dates get canceled at the last minute;

4. He puts little work into the relationship. He doesn't call, take you out, voluntarily spend time with you. It seems like you are doing all the work to keep the relationship going.

5. Sets his life up so that there is no room for you in it; except when he wants something from you.

6. You find yourself telling him the same things over and over. It's like he is absent-minded or just doesn't care to remember who you are and what you are all about.

7. Isn't available or only available for a short time on special occasions or holidays.

8. He's charming and fun to be around, but your relationship lacks depth. You feel that you don't really know him, even after several months "together."

9. He is always involved with several women (his "friends") or overlapping relationships. He tends to go back and forth to a comfortable ex who places no demands on him for more.

10. You catch him in little white lies frequently... his stories just don't match because he forgets what he told you the week before.

When He Just Doesn't Want What You Want

Single women must accept the fact that there are some men that just won't commit to anyone. No matter how wonderful, accomplished, loving and beautiful a woman is, he dances away to start the whole dating/fall in love/run away sequence with woman after woman.

Other men do want a commitment, but just haven't met THE woman that inspires him to be committed. When a man is truly smitten, he gives his commitment voluntarily - you don't have to ask for it.

His fear of "messing up" and losing you will be motivation enough for him to toe the line.

I suggest that all women get clear on exactly why they are seeking a commitment. Be clear on exactly what commitment means to you, and why you insist on a commitment from THIS man.
About the Author
(c) 2008 Deborrah Cooper. Deborrah has authored dozens of relationship articles and advice columns on Ask HeartBeat!, which focuses on modern relationships for teens and adults. Her dating guide Sucka Free Love! provides street-smart, hilarious insight into the toughest issues facing singles today. Check out The Sucka Free Dating Radio Talk Show on Wednesday night at 7:00 pm PST.
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