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Dirty Little Astrological Secrets on How to Snag That Ideal Boyfriend Without Worrying Too Much About the Size of Your Ass

Aug 13, 2008
Are you one of those gals who hates her own dress size? (Okay, that's eighty percent of us so read on.) Have you packed on a few pounds over the years leaving you frightened to death by the whole dating scene? Well now there's hope. Don't hold back. Accept dates right and left or pursue men online. Who cares? It's a numbers game; go for it. Men are like dogs and horses, you have to place your bets and play the odds on lots of them before one pans out. Most importantly, do not let the size of your ass keep you in the house for one more day!

First, let's handle this whole low self esteem issue you're having about the size of your backside. Let's face it, it's been following you around for sometime now, causing you all kinds of inconveniences. Get over it. We got over it, over envying all these stick thin models and movie stars. We finally decided to accept the fact that we are not going to look like them in this lifetime. We got sick of the media putting the pressure on us to hate ourselves, so we stopped. You can, too. Start loving yourself and then get on with dating...with a little help from the stars.

There are tried and true secrets determined by your new hottie's astrological sign, that will ensure you get a second date, or a first date for that matter, with or without a big fat ass. No longer will you have to sit and wait for the phone to ring. Depending on the man and his sun sign, you may have to be doin' the dialin' or goodness knows what else.

Before we get started, you have to learn this hysterical fact: A study which appears in the British Journal of Psychology has discovered that hunger somehow relates to how men perceive different female body types. They surveyed 61 male college students coming and going from a university dining hall, first asking them how hungry they were and then asking them to rate a series of photographs of similarly dressed women of varying weights and body types. The half of the group that said they were hungry rated heavier women as more attractive. With this in mind, we recommend never feeding your new beau until at least seven hours into the date. Let him starve. We don't care. Hold his gaze and let him talk about himself for hours until he passes out.

Here is a run down, sign by sign of how to handle all the astrological Mr. Possibilities in the universe. (Remember, this is not your sign, this is his sign.)

Aries Males: First off, he will need to be the one to call you. You can't chase an Aries. They're Neanderthal that way. Let him think he's clubbing and dragging you back to the den. Aries loves that. You can hint at an attraction by licking his cheek but, after that, he must speak the words, "You wanna' go out on a date?" If you think he doesn't like your ass, don't worry about it. He probably does or he wouldn't be talking to you in the first place. Secondly, keep him involved in some kind of physical activity, like ping pong, tennis or tiddleywinks. How do you get him to call you back? Make him think you thought the waiter was cute, or that you are still not over your last boyfriend (even if you never had one.) Aries men love competition.

Taurus Males: Taurus guys love a girl with a BFA (Big Fat Ass) because Taurus men like a woman who is good in the kitchen. They love a homey cozy girl who likes to cook up and eat a big, aromatic pan of muffins. Big fat hint: you can be the one to ask a Taurus for a date, he may be receptive. While on the date, don't think about the size of your thighs - know that he is thinking, "Where there are fat thighs there is a woman with a spatula flippin' pancakes." Turn him on by showing your practical side - talk about how you like to dust daily and balance your checkbook for entertainment. You can call him for a second date. He'll accept.

Gemini Males: Keep him talking about himself all night long. Geminis are wickedly entertaining with lots of charisma, so let him entertain both sides of his personality on that first date by letting both sides of his brain get to know himself better. He will think you are an amazing listener, which makes you girlfriend material no matter how much material it takes to cover your BFA (Big Fat Ass). He'll want to see you again. Be open. Be up. Eat before the date so you can focus on his side of the table. Let him call for the second date.

Cancer Males: The way to this man's heart is most definitely through the organ that rules Cancerians - his stomach. Keep him in the kitchen - cook him up tasty stews, homemade pizzas and crabcakes smothered in butter sauce. It's not complicated here gals; love yourself first so you can nurture this man until the end of his days. Like any guy, he needs his down time after a first date to search all his complex feelings about what just happened and why he may feel smitten. (You kept him in the kitchen and reminded him of his mother. Duh.) If he hasn't called you in about a week, invite him to a backyard barbecue. A Cancer male can overlook your somewhat hefty proportions and give you lots of kisses and backrubs. These guys run deep, not to worry.

Leo Males: A Leo man may be attracted to a woman who looks like a model but if she eats like one, forget it. Leos need a woman with an appetite for life and lots of fire. Aries and Sagittarian females are lucky with Leo guys, so if you fall into one of these categories, know that the number one thing this guy wants is a confident gal on his arm. Wear your BFA like Queen Latifah, all proud and gorgeous. He will love you exactly the way you are if he's for real. To get him to call you back, compliment him endlessly on his charismatic personality and thick head of hair. Let him call you for a second date. Love your life. He'll sense that.

Virgo Males: Dine with a Virgo with all the table accessories meticulously laid out for him to see, touch, taste and feel. Enjoy him as well as your meal. Leave any worrying you have about how your ass looks in those jeans out of your mind. A Virgo man can be anxious over life's stupid details but if you can make him feel safe and relaxed you are half way there. Don't talk fast and be nervous, he'll go nuts. Instead, smile a lot and look into his eyes - hold his gaze. If you are looking deeply into each other's eyes, he can't be looking at your ass. You can call him for a second date. Pick the place, the time, and do NOT be late!

Libra Males: Do you really like this guy? Then be elegant. Libran men like refinement in their women, someone who is well read and capable of throwing intimate dinner parties while wearing the cutest little cocktail dress. If this isn't for you, appeal to his love of music and let him take you to a classical concert. He won't be judging you or your weight if he sees you as refined and delightfully feminine. If you ever feel judged or put down by this man - or any man - we say, "Up his." If he can't take a fat ass or a good joke, go find a man who knows his way around a woman with an appetite.

Scorpio Males: Whatever you do with a Scorpio male, do not be ashamed of your big bare butt around him. (Not that we suggest sleeping with a Scorpio on a first date or anything, but you will be tempted. Resist. Scorpio loves the chase.) Love your body exactly the way it is by leaving your nagging, self-hating voice back at your place for that first date. These Scorpio guys are psychic. Do something shocking and sensual - like
actually eat dessert. He will love that you are not afraid to show your desires. Feed him cake with your fork for starters, hold you glance for a teeny bit longer than usual. Bingo, he's toast.

Sagittarius Males: Your first date with a Sag male could easily turn into another if you can make him laugh and think at the same time. These guys are fairly cerebral, enjoying philosophical debate about the meaning of life or the importance of a cupcake. Be jovial - this guy loves a woman with a smile. Paint a happy face on your ass so that when you turn around he gets a good laugh. You won't be left wondering if he's going to call; he's either into you or he's not and you'll know it right away.

Capricorn Males: A Capman loves a woman with a sturdy set of legs and a nice juicy ass, especially if she's a Virgo or Taurus earth sign like he is. A woman who's a hearty eater is dependable. Capricorn knows that fat ass babes are not into trickery, looking to get supermodel thin to lure a man into marriage or wanting to be arm candy. Eat dessert in front of him. Feel free to call him after the first date, too. Suggest that you'd like to come by his place with some new ideas on how to remodel his deck. Also, tell him how big his deck is.

Aquarian Males: These dudes are not big eaters. If you love your food, just know that you won't have to share yours with this guy. You'll get to bring home leftover! His ass may be much smaller than yours (be careful when you sit on him - you may break him.) You can keep his mind off the global warming of your butt by talking about the global warming of the planet. Aquarian men love women who are informed about politics, endangered ferns, bears and the current plight of the tropical rain forests. Get him to propose on the second date by making a donation of your life savings to UNICEF.

Pisces Males: These fishy guys cry easily. They love a long walk on the beach under a balsamic moon. (Yes, there is a balsamic moon cycle and a vinaigrette.) These sweeties are die-hard romantics. Kiss him on the cheek, be up in his face so close that he can never actually get a full viewing of your ass. That is if you are foolish enough to worry about such things like the size of your butt cheeks. It's not likely Mr. Pisces could give a rat's ass. So be needy and romantic - stay up in his face - and all will be well. He should call for that second date - that is to say he'll pick up the phone when you call him for that second date.
About the Author
Laura Banks and Janette Barber are the bestselling authors of Embracing Your Big Fat Ass (Atria). They write about positive body-image, weight-acceptance, self-esteem with humor. It's time to love your BFA (Big Fat Ass). Janette is a 6 time Emmy-Award winning producer/writer and Laura is a columnist at Tarot.com. Embracing Your Big Fat Ass .
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