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Dating With Your Mind Wide Open - Intermediate Male Watching

Sep 8, 2008
Welcome back, lovely ones of the Single Sisterhood! Last month your childhood, today your Womanhood!

In the previous article, Basic Male Watching, YOU:

* Identified the significant males from your past, and rated their personality traits.
* Defined your list to discover patterns of positive, negative, and neutral traits
* Connected how a male treats you with how your emotions respond.
* Realized it's not rocket science to see that your childhood list is the foundation for your list NOW.

This month you bring the lessons of childhood forward into the present. The goal for INTERMEDIATE MALE WATCHING is to open your mind's eye to observe men going about the business of being men.

Your assignment requires Fieldwork. Really FUN MALE WATCHING Fieldwork!! Here's an example:

A few years ago I unexpectedly discovered the magic of Male Watching while eating dinner at an uptown restaurant. A family with three kids, plus grandparents, and various other assorted folk, arrived with no reservations and obviously needing a large table. The restaurant was full, the waitress frazzled, but she managed to find them a table. Chairs were another matter. That was when I noticed the husband take center stage. He approached a neighboring table to politely request their two empty chairs, then placed those chairs around the now expanding table, while he corralled two booster seats and a high chair, and asked each family member, whether young or old, where they would like to be seated. In the meantime, he winked at his wife, wiped a child's nose, laughed at his little boy's silly joke, and had the waitress smiling!

He managed this feat with such grace, I was mesmerized. He led, listened, laughed, and loved his family. He was a "take charge" guy without demanding submission. He was patient under pressure. My god, he could multi-task!!

While my eyes watched for an hour in stunned silence, my mind's eye was in high mode, analyzing his every move and my corresponding emotion. It was all so good! It was all so important to understanding me.

This stranger will never know of his secret admirer watching him from a corner booth. He will never know how his sense of responsibility for his family's well-being impressed me, or how his grace gifted me with a living, breathing example of the unique kind of man I need. He'll never know how later that night I wrote a list of his traits in my journal. Then I turned the page, and noted all I had learned about myself from watching him be the man he is.

Exercise #2 - LOOK, Don't LEAP!

What You Will Need:

Your notebook, a pen, your Rate the Trait list from Lesson #1, your best super sleuthing skills, and men of all sizes, shapes, ethnicities, and ages. Remember, you are looking for RESEARCH specimens, not romance! Stay OBJECTIVE.

Time required: Every chance you get. The more fieldwork, the more information, the more you open your mind's eye.

Fieldwork Instructions:

* Be where the men are. Best to focus on one at a time. OK, two if you're a Type A.

* Be neutral about his body type, clothes, car, hair or lack of, facial features, etc. Focusing on his looks and bling-bling blind you to his character.This defeats your purpose.

* Appear otherwise engaged - Avoid eye contact. Once you've engaged his attention, the gender game clicks in and neutrality clicks off.

* Be observant about him - Notice every detail about how he acts while he's clueless about what you're up to.

* Be observant about you - Notice every emotion, every gut reaction you feel in that first nanosecond of each action.

* Optional, but helpful, is to jot down any interesting observations. That's it. To help get you started, here are some examples of how your notes might look:

Observation 1

Where: coffee bar.

Date/Time: 3:30, Saturday afternoon.

Notes: He waits in line to order, taps his foot, looks around, seems impatient. Orders, doesn't smile or seem to make eye contact. Girl comes in and joins him. He tries smiling at her, looks fake. She gets her own coffee, he doesn't watch her.

Rate the Traits: Impatient -, selfish - , grumpy -

Observation 2

Where: City Café.

Date/Time: Friday, 8 PM.

Notes: Tons of singles in here. Watch 2 guys at bar (act like friends), flirting with 2 girls. Both put on the "charm," but one talks a lot and so loud I can hear him, too close to her face, pushy, touches her arm. Other guy talking with other girl. Looks her in the eye, dialogue, personal space.

Rate the Traits: clueless - , loud - , egocentric -, Respectful +, conversant + , laid back +

Your specimens may be alone, but better if they are interacting with others. Could be their wife, lover, kids, coworkers, friends, or their dog.... You get the idea. You, in the meantime, innocently sip your latte with stealthy eyes peering over your laptop; enjoy dinner at the neighborhood grille; yoga from the back row; or fake-out coworkers who think you're taking meeting notes. All is fair when analyzing male behavior under your psychic scope.

So, get out there, girlfriend. Grab your grocery list, your gym gear, your book or basic little black dress. Guys are all over the place. Use 'em! And, please, if at all possible, go on your own! If you must go with a girlfriend, be strict with yourselves and work individually. You can compare notes later, so you don't compromise your ratings.

Back home, refer to your Rate the Traits list. Add any new traits not previously recorded. Note if any traits change in value from your childhood lists. Example: Uncle Harry's relentless humor rated a + when you were a child, but after watching his clown clone today at your office, you noticed how tedious such humor can be.

NOTE: Trust your intuition. Excavate your research. Mine it for all it's worth! You never can tell, it may lead you to a diamond.

ANOTHER NOTE: Male Watching is not about finding the "perfect" man. We've all heard "You're too particular. Give it a chance. Nobody's perfect. You're just too picky." Of course, that kind of argument is fine and good - if you're buying a car or picking out a Christmas tree.

But, when you are choosing whom you will invite into your bed, your body, your soul, and your future, with all that it may bring, would it not serve you to define what qualities mean perfect for you?

The night I watched that nurturing husband and father was a turning point in my life, leaving an emotional imprint on my psyche. That night, I could practically hear my intuition shouting SEE? SEE? THIS IS WHAT YOU'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR!! And, yes, I had to agree that I had found the BIG YES, the ultimate AHA! and Hallelujah moment! I had discovered the template of what prince means to me!

But, how could I gift my clients with a template of their very own? HINT: This month, as you put your male strangers under the scope, you'll learn the first step in how I did just that.

Watch for my next article where you'll learn the rest of the story!
About the Author
Relationship expert, consultant, and educator, Morgan Delaney, MS, empowers single women with the real secrets about dating and relationships, based on a decade of research in the fields of developmental psychology, brain-based gender differences, and the fascinating mysteries of the male psyche. To learn more about Ms. Delaney's relationship research, and forthcoming books, visit Single Sisterhood .
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