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Conscious Dating: Ten Things You Can Do Right Now to Find Your Perfect Mate

Aug 17, 2007
In today's world we all want the same thing, whether we are single or married, young or old, gay or straight: to love and to be loved. The great majority of us desire a fulfilling life partnership.

As social beings, we need intimacy and connection with a community of friends and family, and a committed relationship that meets our emotional, physical, and spiritual needs. As our world grows increasingly complex, personal relationships, the building blocks of our society, seem to suffer. We want to be happy and fulfilled in our most important relationships, but don't seem to know how.

You are not alone. Today, there are more single people than ever before: 101 million singles in the United States, which means 46 percent of the adult population. Since 85 percent of adults marry, it is clear that the great majority of people prefer to be in a committed relationship.

Most singles today want to find their life partner, but are scared and confused, afraid of failure and perplexed about how to succeed. There is a whole growth industry providing solutions for singles, much of which is shallow, exploitive, and worthless. Our high divorce rate suggests that this process is ineffective. As a result, people are increasingly aware of the importance of making good relationship choices, of realizing that infatuation, hope, promises, and good intentions will not help them find and keep the love of their life.

The rules for dating and mating have changed, and up until now you may have been discovering the new rules by trial and error. Singles today seem scared and confused, and I've seen many despair of ever finding love and simply give up trying. In the past ten years of developing relationship coaching programs for singles I've heard it all:

- I'm too old, overweight, unattractive, poor, (fill in the blank), to find my soul mate

- There aren't enough eligible men (or women) in my area

- All the good ones are taken

- Men don't want commitment

- Women just want me for my wallet

- It's too late, it just won't happen for me

Hogwash! Through Relationship Coaching Institute I've trained hundreds of relationship coaches who have worked with many thousands of singles worldwide and we've thoroughly tested what works and what doesn't work in today's dating world for singles.

If you're single and seeking your life partner I guarantee it can happen for you if you do the following:

1. Start by losing the losers

If you want to find your soul mate you must be available and not involved with people that aren't right for you.

2. OK, available now? Next... are you "ready?"

Any unfinished business that might sabotage your next relationship? Get it handled!

3. Next, make a list your top five requirements (non-negotiable deal-breakers) and vow not to get involved with anyone that doesn't meet all five.

Share your list with your closest friends and make them swear to tell you the truth and lock you up if you get off-track.

4. Good job. Now, let's get crystal clear about this "dating" thing-

If you want to avoid the deadly dating traps, focus on these "Four Steps for Conscious Dating:"

Step #1: Scouting- Find compatible people to meet- internet, through friends, getting out there, etc.

Step #2: Sorting- Don't waste time exploring dead ends. Quickly determine if someone you meet has potential.

Step #3: Screening- Collect enough information to know if your requirements would be met with this person.

Step #4: Testing- Date a few times and compare the reality with the information.

That's it. Nothing more, nothing less. No "trial relationships," no fun flings; just these four steps.

5. Get support

Don't do this alone. Dating can be scary and isolating, and your friends and family can be your safety net to help you stay on track.

6. Work it!

Most people meet their soul mate through someone they already know, so don't keep your partner search a secret- let people know you're looking and network like crazy.

7. Be positive and happy

Success breeds success and misery loves company... your choice.

8. Be the Chooser!

Go after what you want and don't simply react to what or who chooses you.

9. Be assertive!

If you settle for less, you'll get less. Ask for what you want and say "No" to what you don't want.

10. Live a great life NOW while you're single

"If you build it, they will come" (from the movie "Field of Dreams").

Finding your perfect mate is a combination of working on yourself so that you're ready to attract and keep this wonderful person, and being proactive in your life to go after what you want instead of waiting for it to come to you, or hoping it will just "happen."

Best wishes in your journey to find the love of your life and the life that you love.
About the Author
David Steele, MA, LMFT is founder of Relationship Coaching Institute and author of the ground-breaking new book for singles Conscious Dating: Finding the Love of Your Life in Today's World
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