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Single in the City With a BFA
Finding yourself single (again) sucks. We've all been there - thinking that things are going really, really well with someone, only to find out he's had a crush on your closest male friend for quite some time. Darn. Add the complication that you can't stand what you look like from behind and it's enough to make you never want to leave the house again - because you think you look like a house. So we here at B-FAB (Beautiful Fat Ass Babe) Society central offer up our top five fabulous secrets on how to get over your broken heart and off your broken bathroom scale and get on with your life. So here we go - our observations and solutions to the mystery of life with a fat ass without a man.
Be Happy Living Alone: Your big fat home may appear much larger and lonelier when you are now living alone again. Add lots of living things like plants, a cute dog and maybe a roommate that does not wet on the floor. Re-arrange the furniture. Add bright new colors. Get Feng Shui services. Move to a new country. Just don't keep your house the way it looked when he lived in it. Get lots of comfy pillows and maybe a new couch to accommodate your expanding BFA (big fat ass). If you are a member of the B-FAB Society, we are confident that there is enough of you to go around - we have big butts but we have big hearts, too. Find new things and people to nurture other than that last guy who didn't appreciate your bundt cakes, your bad jokes or your one piece bathing suit. It's over dude. He's the loser, not you.
Avoid the Boyfriend Break-Up Diet: When a B-FAB first notices that her boyfriend is no longer calling, nor can he be found in any room in the house, she may also notice one of two things; an immediate increase or decrease in appetite. If you can't eat after a break up, bully for you. We tend to eat like pigs. If you find yourself eating for two at a table for one, you may be more in the norm. This is called stress induced overeating and we recommend trying something called Relora to calm you down. (It's a supplement that can be found online at many of the better online vitamin shops.)
Work on Your Poor Self Image: How you see yourself after you or your man has left you for another man, another woman or turned into a frog can go downhill fast. You say to yourself, "It's me, I just can't' be in a successful relationship." No! Stop it. Maybe he just wasn't the right guy for you and you're saving yourself both time and food in the fridge - cuz he won't be around to eat any. Practice some of the work of John Bradshaw (Going Home) to learn about your childhood and where in your past you triggered this miss-match. Is this last guy like your dad? You last dog? Whatever you do, do NOT take it out on yourself. It just didn't work. A bad boyfriend is like pants that are many sizes too small. Don't break your butt trying to squeeze into them - go find a pair that fits.
Get Spiritual: Yes, it's time. Check out your Crown Chakra for a tune-up from a chakra therapist. (Yes, they really exist.) Know that you are not your body and you are whole and complete in the universe without a boyfriend. (Wow...really?) Study astrology or any of the other ancient practices of the spirit, alcohol maybe? No, really, go within, meditate and make peace with your piece (of ass). Go to church, synagogue or local comedy club. Any of those will do the trick. B-FABs have been known to seek peace with a piece of cake, too. It works. Try other things, too. Maybe volunteer yourself at a local soup kitchen. Save a whale. Get the bigger picture of life so you can stop worrying about being so god-awful alone with a big, fat ass.
Multiply Your Friend Base: Get lots and lots of new friends by becoming a member of the B-FAB Society. Friends who understand your plight will lighten your load and can come up with fabulous things to do together. Create a fondue party. Go to events together and celebrate the fact that you are still upright and breathing.
About the Author Laura Banks and Janette Barber are the bestselling authors of Embracing Your Big Fat Ass (Atria). They write about positive body-image, weight-acceptance, self-esteem with humor. It's time to love your BFA (Big Fat Ass). Janette is a 6 time Emmy-Award winning producer/writer and Laura is a columnist at Tarot.com. Embracing Your Big Fat Ass.
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