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Why Men Lie

Aug 17, 2007
Men often lie to us or don't share their real feelings with us because:

Men want to protect us from their negative feelings about us or their bad behavior. They don't want to hurt us by what they say or do, so they don't say anything or they tell us what they think we want to hear.

Men are afraid of women. They don't know the "emotional game" that women play, so they are afraid to use the emotional language. When we're young, we learn to talk feelings while they learn to play ball. They've learned that more often than not they will get in trouble if they share feelings with us. They are afraid we will think them weak or controlling or insecure.

Men are often not emotionally in touch with what they are really feeling. They are often thinking logically or defensively -- like how to stay out of trouble with us. They seldom ask themselves how they are really feeling about something we did or why they seem angry at us.

Men often believe that any issue they have with you is probably a reason to just end the relationship, so why bring it up. They've not been taught that discussing a relationship can often bring solutions to problems so that it can work better in the future.

What women can do to keep men from lying to them:

Don't put your man in a no-win situation, i.e. getting mad if he says something you don't like, yet also getting mad when he won't answer the question or placates you. Don't punish him when you don't get the answer you want.

Remind him that you want the truth before you ask him a question, i.e., state: "I really want the truth and want you to know that I'll be more upset with you if I find out you lied to me."

Go ahead and guess what he might be feeling and suggest a way to fix it, i.e.,"Ill bet you're upset that I invited my mom along tonight, aren't you? Do you want me to call her and change it?"

What men need to know to be more honest:

Your lies will always catch up to you, and women are usually more upset about a man lying than they are about the original issue. It's just like when you were a kid and lied and got into bigger trouble for lying.

You are acting like a wimp when you just tell her what she wants to hear instead of the truth. Get some kahonas and be a man; you wouldn't act that weak at work or with the guys, would you?

Here's how to handle her if you are afraid she "can't handle the truth:" Tell her: "Look, I care about you, but I feel set up and like I can't win sometimes. If I tell you the truth and you don't like it, you get upset. Yet if I don't tell you what I'm thinking, you say I'm not communicating and that I'm unemotional! When I say I don't like something you're doing or wearing or whatever, it doesn't mean I don't like you. You can't ask me if you don't really want the answer or you're going to take it as rejection."
About the Author
Carolyn Bushong, a Denver,CO licensed therapist, helps couples and singles in her office, on-line,& by phone. Author of: Loving Him Without Losing You, Bring Back the Man You Fell in Love With, & The 7 Dumbest Relationship Mistakes. Has appeared on Oprah. http://www.carolynsays.com. 303-333-1888.
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