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Is Driving Yourself Crazy A Short Trip?

Aug 17, 2007
New York, New York - if I can drive it there, I'll drive it anywhere - even LA. When I was given the finger by a New York cab driver, I saw it as a one-finger salute for successfully cutting in front of him to make a right turn.

Living in LA, however, has diminished my driving skills. We don't drive on the freeways. We progressively park closer to our destinations.

When I occasionally have the opportunity to actually drive, I tend to go over the speed limit - but only when there's a rabbit in front of me. A rabbit is what I call a driver who's going faster than I am and thus would get stopped for speeding before I would. This is my version of the tortoise and the hare. It works best when the hare is a sports car.

New York, LA or wherever you drive, there are two kinds of cars to look out for - police cars and student driver cars. The occupant of one can arrest you and the occupant of the other can arrest your heart.

You also have to look out for mathematical drivers. They're the ones who take the shortest distance between two points, which is often across three lanes to an exit. Then there are the blond drivers, who think directional signals are an extra their cars don't have.

I'm blond. I actually use my directional signals; but when I parallel park, I often bump bumpers. I maintain this is fine - otherwise, why would bumpers be called bumpers?

Although rules of the road vary from state to state, I think driving with a dog on your lap should be against the law. It isn't in LA. Maybe these dogs are considered LAPDogs.

I think cell phone use while driving - whether hand-held or speaker - should be against the law too. Don't think of this as a sacrifice. Think of it as providing yourself a safe haven - or doesn't your mother-in-law call you every day?

Turning left after the traffic light has turned red is definitely against the law; but we LA drivers do it - even in front of police. We don't think it's wrong. In our traffic it's survival.

Survival is my primary motivation for safe driving, but I have another one. Not having to show a policeman my license means there's one less person who knows my age and weight.
About the Author
KNIGHT PIERCE HIRST takes humorous looks at life.
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http://knightwatch.typepad.com
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