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Pimp Your Tractor and Impress Your Cowgirl
We all need to shake things up from time to time and farmers are no exception. They spend most of their time working the land and living the simple life. And this is great. But farmers need love too. And if they ain't getting it, perhaps it's because their tractors aren't very sexy. So here are a few tips on pimping your tractor so as to make you more sexually desirable to women who like tractors and women who may not like tractors.
The first step in pimping your tractor is naturally to add some rims. These are the first things your cowgirl will see and they need to be impressive. The only problem is that tractor wheels are monstrous and dishing out for some chrome could run you a couple hundred thousand dollars. If you've been farming soybeans you can probably afford it. If you've been farming cotton then you may want to consider aluminum foil and duck tape. Buy 20 or 30 things of aluminum foil and several rolls of duck tape and go to work. Try to make the foil smooth so it doesn't look like a cheap rim job.
After your honey peeps your rims, she'll want a ride. So the next thing you'll need is some bass. Get a subwoofer and a couple quality speakers, the kind that the neighbors will hate. You can blare your Garth Brooks and rock the farm. There are few farmers with the courage to add a bit of bass to their rig, but trust me, the chicks dig it. Just imagine how much easier that farm work will become when you're rocking your Garth and you're riding your new rims. Who cares if work gets done, you're keeping it real.
The next big step, and this is only for those for whom the first two steps did not result in a new wife, is to add hydraulics. Hydraulics, pardon my bluntness, are pimp. But this is really only for the hardcore. Imagine yourself out there, farming and stuff, and then you look over and there she is, your future wife. But she doesn't know it yet. She needs convincing.
She sees your rims. She hears your Garth. But she still ain't biting. It's time for the big guns. Flip the switch and start bouncing baby. Her eyes will be on nothing else. But a note of warning, tractors roll over sometimes, and hydraulics may contribute. Make sure you have a roll cage and a seat belt. But don't wear the seatbelt, cause safety is weak sauce. Kick the bass.
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