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Cashing in on Man Made Global Warming by Using Offsets

Aug 17, 2007
Some celebrity singer was recently quoted as saying that in order to save more trees we ought to limit ourselves with just one sheet of toilet paper for every visit to the bathroom. That is with the lone exception being up to three sheets for those really messy deals. Bear in mind that she is now claiming to have been joking at that time. Was it said with tongue in cheeks humor? Whether or not she was joking is up for debate. However, it must be noted that she is a blond and a celebrity with a cause. All I know for sure is that she might notice a major decline in autograph requests due to her statement.

Now where you might see someone saying something completely stupid I see an opportunity for more profit than that highly theatrical Inconvenient Truth joke bonanza. That is because we are all a little too late to start our own Carbon Offset companies. No, that ship has set sail. Yet we can take advantage of this toilet paper mandate by way of a new series of offset ideas. No, I am not talking about having toilet paper monitors doling out single sheets in all public restrooms. Especially when you think about what they will constantly be asked, Are you the guy who gives a sheet? Now that job would really, really stink.

No what I hope for is that they make it a law! I hope they invent yet another government agency directed solely at wiping away toilet paper waste. Because where there is a law there is going to be people who are made to back-up these laws. Granted, though the toilet paper abuse law may stink, it will open up my new offset company for awesome profits.

How about offsets for those people who just cannot seem to put their finger on the single sheet concept. I mean seriously, one sliver of toilet paper might not be all that it is cracked up to be. It might be too hard to sit with but, and that is a big but; there will doubtlessly be those who cheat on their sheets. Those will be the people who we will target for our new offset concept. If they just cannot seem to make ends meet with their single toilet paper sheets then they can pay our new company to plant more oxygen producing trees for them. We will call these Methane Offsets! Yes, with Methane Offsets they can use all the toilet paper they want and we will wipe away their wasteful guilt for them.

With methane offsets these people can put their toilet paper abuse behind them. Because we will plant trees for the right price which in turn will offset their methane expulsions with brand new trees. Really, it will be a gas! Speaking of methane gas, all of the thousands of Mexican restaurants can also make money selling our methane offsets to their customers as well. Shoot, we will even pay them a commission on all chili related Methane Offset sales. Hey, we can figure out a ton of ways to pile it on with toilet paper abuse.

You know as I think about it, I could sell Methane Offsets to farmers and ranchers too. It should not matter what kind of animal they raise because each and every single animal has got to expulse methane in either gaseous of solid form. I will be there standing behind them all the way with my Methane Offset Oh yes! Well at least I will be behind all those who do not raise pigs. Those guys will probably be banned from raising pigs soon enough due to the racial hate laws that protect all religions other than Christianity. However, that is another matter that smells pretty bad.

As one last bottom line item about toilet paper abuse, celebrities will not have to worry about people asking for their funky fingerprints instead of autographs. No, with our methane offsets celebrities can once again enjoy refusing to sign autographs. Till they start paying us for their own personal methane footprint, autograph signing could be a sticky subject.
About the Author
John DeJong is the lead creative designer for NotMeUSA. He has been writing humorous advertisements for over twenty-five years. All of the funny t-shirts, prescription pill bottles, and gag spray bottles were created by him. You can view these by visiting NotMeUSA.com
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