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Wasn't Making Hard Copies Easier?

Aug 17, 2007
According to Webster's Dictionary, compute - as in computer - means to make sense. Yeah, right. The only thing that makes sense to me is the carrying case. I understand how to use the zippered compartments and the inside pockets. I also managed to figure out how to use the Velcro strap to secure my computer.

Because I'm a writer, I named my computer Steinbeck to inspire me - not to cause the weights of wrath. Because of his predilection to make things I'm writing disappear, I should have named him Houdini.

Even saved things are susceptible to his prestidigitation. He's performed computer tricks no one has ever seen before. An extra icon suddenly appears out of thin air. Documents pass unseen from one file to another. The cursor is pulled out of a hat like a rabbit and hops all over the screen.

Yes, both Steinbeck and Houdini are male names, but you thought all computers were female. If they were, where would new models come from?

Now you probably want to know how I know my computer's male. Simple. In spite of all his acting-out, he won't talk about his feelings.

Thankfully, I bought Steinbeck at Best Buy and have the Geek Squad as mentors. I'm there so often, they'll be on my Christmas card list. In fact, the squad knows me so well, they want me to have my own computer-handicapped parking space.

Because of make-it-look-so-easy Matthew, the salesman, and my don't-forget-my-wife's-a-blond husband, Steinbeck has anti-spam, anti-phishing, anti-virus and various other security programs. As a result, I should have government clearance for sensitive material.

The e-mails I received before Steinbeck was anti-spam'd definitely qualified as insensitive material. Explicit ads for erectile dysfunction, dating services that offered extra services - no, it wasn't just the repeated ads for the hair-challenged that were ribald.

Although I only use Steinbeck to word process, e-mail, research and post my blogs, I still get in trouble. The Help button is no help. In school I took French as a second language. I should have taken Microsoft.

I live in Southern California, but Steinbeck freezes. My mouse is tethered to Steinbeck, but runs off the screen. Steinbeck's battery dies when I take him on trips. Although I like to fly non-stop, Steinbeck gets a charge out of stopping.

Frankly, I think computer should be spelled computor. Then I'd feel free to compute OR use pen and paper.
About the Author
KNIGHT PIERCE HIRST takes humorous looks at life.
Take a minute to make yourself smile at
http://knightwatch.typepad.com
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