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Marrying Mistakes and Life Beyond Divorce

Aug 17, 2007
Marriage is full of habits, both good and bad. Habits feel natural and easy which means they don't break themselves by accident.

Many people who escape a bad marriage, tend to get involved in the same type of relationships they just escaped from. They marry the same type of person, fall into the same types of problems, and find themselves in another abusive situation.

For those who want to move on to better things, its very possible. The biggest piece is realizing the trap exists. The next is to find help and there are lot of communities, usually founded by men and women who can relate.

Lisa J. Peck, author of "Stop Marrying Mistakes," found herself in an abusive relationship and sought the help of Growth Climate, a program developed by therapists that teaches how to take control of your life using principals. Peck learned alot in the process of turning her life around and here are some of the most important things she's learned that she shared during an interview on Inside Romance Success.

The four fundamentals of emotional growth:
1. Understand that every person has his/her own climate or mood.
2. Realize that the mood a person feels and displays will effect how others treat that person.
3. Realize that people effect each other. A person who is surrounded by negative people will suffer more stress and is much more likely to become depressed.
4. Understand each person has inner and outer support systems. The success and positive people support themselves. An easy way to support oneself is to be surrounded by positive people.

Three crucial steps to healing:
1. Mourn the loss of a relationship and acknowledge the pain.
2. Nourish the mind and the body. (It is far to easy to punish or neglect the body when the spirit is not happy but this will only perpetuate the bad feelings.)
3. Evaluate aspirations and passions. Reconnect with the real you. Find the inner child. A great help here is for someone to ask "What did I enjoy doing as a child?" Connecting with old dreams is NOT silly, it's powerful.

A common problem attached to relationship problems of every level is depression. If a person can get excited with their life and future possibilites, it is much easier to move on.
Steps of depression and how it happens:
1. Self worth struggle - every child is born with a sense of self worth. Humans believe they are valuable as a person until told otherwise.
2. Instinct wrestle - Someone thinks they are not as good as they had thought or hoped.
3. Choice - In the end, each person chooses to believe or to doubt themself.

Self worth comes from being productive. People who get involved in things are able to adjust more easily from broken relationships. The mind can hold multiple thoughts but there is only room for one feeling at a time, therefore by helping another person, the first will be carried away from their own problems. This can be a ton of fun, AND it's rewarding!

Kids are a real issue for most marriages, divorces, and remarriages. Few people plan to become the 'evil' stepmother or father but often the kids involved create their own worst nightmare by being hurtful or standoffish. Lisa J. Peck created the The Ten Commandments of Step-Parenting developed to ease emotional hurts and let the parent be the parent.
Here are the first five:
1. Give the child personal space
2. Be yourself around them
3. Set limits and enforce them
4. Allow outlets for feelings for both children and biological parents
5. Expect ambivalence from the child. They need time.

The proactive strategies outlined by Lisa J. Peck during her interview can smooth the path to a healthy recovery from divorce and open the possibilities of beautiful new positive relationships.

Remember to beware the trap of bad habits, get help, help others, and move on.
About the Author
Dr. Proactive Randy Gilbert enjoys producing the "Inside Romance Success" show hosted by Kevin Decker, who presents his insightful interview with Lisa J. Peck based upon the techniques from her book.
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