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How to Get In Control of Your Relationships

Aug 17, 2007
Barry is feeling extremely down. He has a poor job, little money, ordinary relationships, unhappiness, argues with people, his boss treats him poorly, and overall he feels like he is going no where in life. Barry feels other people are to blame for his poor life. He feels like a "victim of this world". If Barry's circumstances are similar to yours or you have at times felt like this, then you need to continue reading.

Take a moment and look all around you. There are indicators everywhere of who you are as person. This brings up the question:

"Your surroundings, the circumstances you are in, and the people in your life, are they there because of you or are you there because of them?"

Read that through a few times if you didn't understand the question. This is like the old question "Did the chicken hatch before the egg?" but my original question to you has a definite answer.

Regardless of what you believe, how victimized you feel, how much you blame others, how much self-pity you have, or out of control you are in your life, everything around you is because of you and not the other way around.

I call this "accepting radical responsibility". It is "radical" because taking normal responsibility for who you are and who you become is not enough. The quality of your relationships, how you communicate with people, and everything else about your life was once and continues to be created by you.

If you're scared of public speaking, it is your fault.

If you broke up with your boyfriend/girlfriend, it is your fault.

If you haven't got that promotion, it is your fault.

If your team at work doesn't see you as a leader, it is your fault.

I'm giving you some "tough love" here because you need it right now in your life. Even I need to be told of this frequently to remind myself of taking responsibility.

One of my personal problems was a feeling of self-pity. You know how it feels. "Oh, poor old me. I try so hard but nothing happens. I'm so unlucky." That kind of self-talk and type of emotions are extremely damaging to your emotional well-being and the quality of your relationships.

Self-pity is a killer of self-esteem. Nothing will destroy good self-esteem more than self-pity.

Coming out of my slump where I had poor communication skills, I read a lot of helpful advice yet still had that dangerous emotion... self-pity.

I'll be honest with you, I still occasionally experience the emotion. There's no denying that. We all are only human. No matter how good you are in conversations or controlling your thoughts, you will always slip up. Perfection isn't human. If you do reach such a level of perfectionism, contact me and let me know how you became God.

There's no point in beating yourself up over little problems. In fact, doing so would amplify your feelings of self-pity and further decrease the likelihood of your success.

I want you today to think of an area in your life that you are experiencing self-pity. What is an area you feel sorry for yourself? I'm 99% certain you have one so take some time to think about the question.

Do you blame your partner for having a less than intimate relationship?

Do you hate your boss because he/she hasn't promoted you?

Do you just hate people?

Having thought about the problem, now think about what these blame-filled emotions do for you...

...Done? Good.


I know it's so easy to blame people for being rude to you, having an argument with them, not making friends, or not following your advice. But this blame-game is all lies and excuses that stimulate your self-pity and stops you from becoming the person you want to be.

If you want to have the relationships, the happiness, or/and the success, than you need to stop playing the blame-game. Pull out the white flag and surrender. The blame-game is not a game you can win. You are predestined for failure by blaming anyone for any of your circumstances.

To get the relationships you desire, to get in control of your relationships, you must accept radical personal responsibility. By accepting radical responsibility, you will become an active creator of your life and relationships. You will stop feeling victimized by the world. Humans were born to create so start getting in control of your relationships and create the relationships you desire by accepting radical responsibility.
About the Author
Joshua Uebergang can teach you effective relationship skills at his communication skills website EarthlingCommunication.com. If you're ready to accept radical responsibilty and start having special interpersonal relationships, you can signup to his free newsletter today and get a free 4000+ word report on effective communication skills by visiting his website.
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