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Janet I Have to Pee: My Birthday at the Sleep Disorders Clinic
My endocrinologist suspects I have sleep apnea. I say "my" endocrinologist as if we have some kind of relationship. I've spent only twenty minutes with this doctor, after first seeing my gynecologist, internist, naturopath, and acupuncturist. Let's face it, when you are a middle-aged woman with symptoms of exhaustion, weight gain, and headaches, no one really gives a rip. But after complaining to enough professionals, I found myself on the verge of diagnosis.
When the scheduler at the sleep disorders clinic told me the first opening for an overnight study was June 13, my birthday, I realized it was a gift. This birthday was plain bad timing and I could skip it with the best excuse ever.
I prepared for an odd experience by coaching myself, "It's not surgery. Drugs are offered. No one will force you to do chin-ups in front of your peers. No orange vest or old boyfriends. Being left alone in bed with three video cameras trained on you for a night? You've ignored much more than that."
My husband drove me to the state-of-the-art clinic and delivered me into the capable hands of Janet. She had a clipboard. Her smock had one of those cheerful, bizarre patterns that lets you know healthcare is taking place. Janet would be monitoring me all night and she obviously knew her way around sleepy people. We need to be told exactly what to do, and we are very cooperative if you'll just let us get in bed soon.
Janet showed me to my private room, which the literature describes as hotel-like. This was my first $1,200-a-night hotel-like room, and from that perspective it was a letdown. But fine, hook me up. Janet glued 20 electrodes to my head, legs, and chest; taped microphones to my chin and voice box; inserted a tube in my nostrils; placed belts across my chest and waist, and plugged me into the wall. I drifted off easily.
Sometime later I opened my eyes in the dark, knowing that somewhere nearby, someone knew I had just opened my eyes in the dark. Janet had assured me she could hear everything, so I gazed at the blinking lights on the ceiling and decided to try it out. Calmly I said, "Janet, I have to pee." That woman was there in 5 seconds flat. On came the bright lights and off the wall came all the wires. Janet deftly tucked them into my belts and made me mobile.
Leaving the bathroom, I made the mistake of looking in the mirror. Wired tufts of hair! Yikes! And does this bomb strapped to me make me look fat? Then I remembered I had actually ironed my pajamas for this occasion. I'd thoughtfully chosen my favorite flannels and ironed them. So I'd look good. Happy birthday, honey, you've never looked more insane.
We arrived at wake-up time. Janet was impressed I had slept for seven hours without moving, so none of my wires had come loose. She said with sympathy, "You must have been really tired." Yes, in fact, that's why I'm here, I thought. Or maybe I said that out loud. Janet continued with a crowing of early morning information. She mentioned the guy on her watch last night who'd tossed around and unplugged himself eight times; and how, in the worst case she'd ever seen, a woman had slept only thirteen minutes all night.
I struggled to comprehend these dramas as I sat on the edge of the bed at 5:30 am while filling out the form she had thrust at me. I've never filled out a form immediately upon waking, and for all I knew I had just given Janet my house. Maybe she had a sideline bilking sleepy people. An excellent plan.
I was released into the large hotel- like hospital lobby and waited for my husband to arrive. I had showered, but found it impossible to shampoo out all the glue in my hair. Why hadn't anyone mentioned this post-electrode residue? As I held a magazine in one hand, I absent-mindedly picked at a large piece of white goop, dragged it through my hair, examined it closely, and dropped it on the floor.
Suddenly I was alert and aghast. If I had witnessed someone else performing such a simian task, I would have gagged. Did anyone see me do that? I was still feeling watched. Maybe I WAS still being watched. The receptionist's desk was a fair distance away and no one else was in the lobby at that hour, so I decided to try it out. Calmly I said, "Janet, I have to pee." Nothing happened.
It may be weeks before I get the test results, so I will reflect on the lesson at hand: on one's birthday, it is very important to amuse oneself.
About the Author Vicki Amorose is an award winning voice-over talent and copywriter. Listen to her demos or ask questions at http://www.voiceofvicki.com
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