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The Woody Allen Quick Quips Survival Guide

Aug 17, 2007
How do we handle the stress of life? Zen and yoga are probably on top of the list. But what's the next best thing?

Humor. Definitely humor.

Somehow it clears the mind. It's hard to be mad or sad when you're laughing. When impending clouds of gloom are pierced with a ray of sunny wit, they appear to dissolve quicker.

But sometimes we need help in finding something funny about our dilemma.

Fortunately, to our rescue comes Woody Allen. In his movies, despite the pathos of the plots, the hopeless dilemma of his characters, and the somber notes about the human condition, the one-liners keep you light-hearted about the unfolding existential angst.

Here are some one-liners you can use when you need to add levity to a challenging situation. Tweak accordingly.

And now here's W-o-o-d-y:

Bills piling up?


"Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons."

Government harassing you?


"I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government."

Feeling persecuted by morbid thoughts?


"There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?"

Relationship falling apart?


"Love is the answer, but while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty interesting questions."

Got rejected after a date?


"A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'."

Spouse driving you nuts?


"Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats."

Deep questions about the meaning of life?


"I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens."

Embarrassed by inappropriate laughter?


"I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose."

Stuck listening to a religious lecture?


"If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans."


Need to shake off some gloom?

"The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have."

When life is a challenge and people resort to sharing their "ain't it awful" stories with you, it's time for you to pull out a Woody Allen quick quip to throw them off-guard.

While they may enjoy your offering a friendly word of advice, a quick quip works faster to snuff out angst because it's really hard to whine when you're rolling on the floor laughing.

If you run out of quips, then it's time for some major,
heavy-duty research work. Get an armful of Woody Allen movies and pop them into your VCR.

People who are miserable can sap your energy. Do you really want to spend your time listening to them whine and complain? It's just as easy to whip out a quick quip and turn things around in an instant.

A caveat: please do not use too many quick quips in any particular social encounter. You may end up seriously considering a career as a Stand Up Comedian due to peer pressure.
About the Author
Saleem Rana would love to share his inspiring ideas His book Never Ever Give Up tells you how. It is offered at no cost as a way to help YOU succeed. http://www.theempoweredsoul.com
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