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Looking for Love?

Aug 18, 2007
Love relationships are one way of learning of what we still have to heal and embrace inside ourselves. Soul mate relationships are not necessarily where we live happily ever after. Our soul mate is one who helps us learn and grow.

The people we attract into our life reflect what we expect, not necessarily what we want. They also reflect parts of ourselves that we may not believe we have inside of us, so we search for someone to make us whole.

Our partners reflect both the good parts of ourselves that we have not fully grown into (such as when we are attracted to someone for all their good qualities) as well as our darker qualities (such as when we are attracted to "bad boys or girls".) However, unless we have these parts inside us, we cannot see it in someone else

Our dark side contains good qualities taken to the extreme, sort of like a great song turned up to maximum on your stereo, the speakers start to shake and the song gets distorted. When we learn to get the volume right we hear the melody, rather than the distortion. But even the darker qualities have gifts inside them if we look hard enough, so there will be times when expressing this darker part will look after us.

For example recently I worked with one client who gave consent for the details of her story and her lessons to be talked about.

She is an incredibly beautiful, talented and intelligent young lady. So her current relationship? It is with a failed rock singer who does not believe in commitment or monogamy. She originally didnt like him when she met him, but she discovered parts in him that she thought showed glimmers of what he could be and as he pursued her, she decided to go along with the relationship. He is 30 and still lives with his mum, who has no concept of privacy as she enters his room without knocking. His passion is spending obscene amounts of money that he borrows from people, on big engines for drag cars, drinking and going out with his mates. However, he lost his drivers license some time ago yet still drives. This client just lent him $500 that she could not really afford for his latest engine and is now worried that she will never see the money again.

So what were her lessons? She had some definite issues around self worth and personal value to work through. She needed to look at what she expected she deserved in relationships. She needed to explore her need to rescue, how this is looking after her and what need this is meeting inside her. She needed to own and understand that her intuition is helping her if she listens to it.

The main things that this situation showed her is that she needed to look into her shadow side to where she had all of these qualities inside herself. She works hard on showing people on the happy, supportive and loving side of her personality and hiding the not so nice parts. This relationship is showing her that she needs to embrace the shadow side of her personality.

She has taken home some work to look at his qualities and find out where she has done something similar in the past. For example, where has she failed in pursuing her dream, where has she not committed to one person or course of action, where does she rely on others to support needs she is quite capable of meeting, where does she not respect the privacy of others, where does she waste money on things that make her feel good rather than on what she needs, where does she does not follow the rules and where has she borrowed without thought of returning.

She has also been given the task of finding the gifts in this darkness and how these parts of her look after her at times. If she can truly look into and embrace this part of her personality and then find the gifts in it, then she will be able to attract more healthy relationships.

So how do you find Mr or Ms Right? Each love is Mr or Ms Right as they each perfectly teach you aspects of yourself. Celebrate each love on your path as a guide to how far you have grown. Look to find the lessons in each relationship along the way. Learn to truly love and accept yourself, then you will draw into your life more loving and accepting partners.

To learn more about embracing your shadow side, read "The Dark Side of Light Chasers" by Debbie Ford.
About the Author
Ingrid Cliff is a Business Development and Human Resources Consultant to Small and Medium Businesses. Ingrid has just published Instant HR Policies and Procedures for Small and Medium Businesses www.heartharmony.com.au
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