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Birth Order Dictates Caregiving Qualities
Did you ever consider that birth order can indicate the quality of caregiver we will become for a loved one? That birth order also indicates the role we play in our marital relationships? By learning more about the characteristics of birth we can improve our relationships within our immediate families and within the families we acquire through marriage.
1) Where do you fall? Are you charming, manipulative, do you blame others for things that go wrong in your life? Do you like attention, are you a people person or a salesperson?
2) Do you avoid conflict? Do you like situations where everyone just gets along? Are you a loyal person with many friends?
3) Are you serious, scholarly, a list maker, well-organized and somewhat of a perfectionist? Are you often critical of others?
If you identified with number one you are most likely the youngest child, number two a middle child and number three a first born. This ranking, however, is complicated by spacing. Which means the space between children. There is a "second family syndrome" characterized by a child born five or more years later than the last child. In this case this second family child can have characteristics of a first born and some characteristics of a middle child and a the youngest.
Look at your children today. Can you more easily identify their characteristics and determine which might be the most appropriate caregiver when you become an older parent. Can you look at yourself and your marital relationship and better understand who may be the leader and the follower. Which spouse pays the bills and organizes the household and which spouse goes along with everything? These are extremely important distinctions especially as we age, as our health fails and as we need to depend on loves ones to care for us.
In families with multiple children, different experiences and frames of reference, children will often argue about the care of their parents saying things like "mom or dad would have wanted this or mom or dad would not have wanted this". It is often the strongest child, likely the first born, who wins out unless the other children band together in dissent.
In marriages where there is a strong partner, when this partner becomes ill and needs care, the other partner has difficulty functioning because they've rarely written checks, managed money or paid bills. This situation happens all too frequently and the strong partner, usually wanting control of everything, never considers teaching the following spouse how to manage in the event of an emergency. Or in other cases, the following spouse shows absolutely no interest in paperwork, figures and organization. Can you guess why? The following spouse is likely a middle child or the youngest. The strong spouse is likely a first born or falls within the second family syndrome.
We also complicate our family situations by leaving home, making new friends, going to college and marrying. If getting along with brothers, sisters and other family members wasn't difficult enough, let's bring other characteristics and family values into the mix. It's no wonder caregiving situations become stressful.
If we can take a step back from our daily, rushed routines to consider birth order and the associated characteristics we may be able to ease into discussions of caregiving conversations without baited breath or seeking arguments. It's usually one child that takes the lead in this situation. If you're not the first born, see if the first born wants the responsibility. Otherwise this generally falls to the youngest child. Other determinants are proximity to loved ones, marriage, and the presence of children. Family members with the greatest degree of responsibility often do not have time to be the caregiver for a parent or loved one. Thus the caregiving role may revert to the youngest who has not married and appears to have the least amount of responsibility.
In marriages, especially older marriages, there is an until death do us part agreement. The spouses hold on tightly and care for each other even in the most dire situations. While today, divorce is becoming more common when one spouse becomes seriously ill and requires a great deal of care or becomes a financial burden.
Wonder who will care for you in the future? Take a look at birth order and the corresponding characteristics, this just may give you a hint. Also know that family members are not always the best caregivers. You can protect yourself by purchasing long term care insurance so that you can remain independent and receive the care you need. It's a better alternative than relying on family or ruining a family relationship.
About the Author Pamela D.Wilson, The Care Navigator, supports adult children and others caring for loved ones by providing consulting and education about aging and health care issues. She also hosts a weekly talk show on 630 KHOW Denver focusing on caregiving. Contact her at The Care Navigator or visit The Care Navigator Blog for free information
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