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The Importance of Setting Boundaries in a Relationship

Aug 18, 2007
When you first get into a relationship with someone, it's critical that you set boundaries so that both you, and your new partner, are aware of where the lines are drawn. Failure to set boundaries can't help but lead to a failed relationship--or at least a relationship that's built on a shaky foundation of insecurity.

Boundaries are usually thought of as being there to restrict us from doing things. They have a negative reputation. However, this isn't always the case. Yes, they do restrict us from going somewhere we shouldn't, but they also allow us to see how far we are allowed to go! If we don't know how far off the boundary is, we tend to play safe by not venturing too far from home and so miss out on adventures!

When you start your relationship, think about the kind of boundaries you need. How close do you want this person to get physically with you? Do you want to limit them or are you comfortable with them being intimately close? How about emotionally? Do you want them to know how you really feel about things, or do you prefer to keep an air of mystery around yourself? What about your personal things? Do you like to share, or do you prefer it if other people leave your stuff alone? Do you want your new partner to be involved in your life outside the relationship -- perhaps in respect of family activities or socializing with your friends?

When you considering this, also consider how you want to be in your partner's life. If you don't want your partner touching your personal stuff for example, does that mean you have no interest in touching theirs? Do you hope to be included in your partner's family events, but want to keep them away from yours? Be careful not to set up a double standard!

Once you know where you want your boundaries to be, you need to have a serious talk to your partner. Explain to them what it is you expect from the relationship, and what limitations you have. You may need to reassure them that it's not because of them that you don't want them to interact with your family, but rather that your family will be hearing wedding bells rather than your partner's name if you take them home! You should then discuss what boundaries your partner has -- you may not be the only one who isn't in a hurry to introduce a partner to their family.

Don't think about boundaries as being there to restrict your relationship. Think of them as being there to ensure that you make the most of the relationship without having to hold back in case your partner mightn't like you doing/saying something. Boundaries are rules in a game and the game is relationships. Learn your personal relationship rules, explain them to your partner, and your relationship will be built on a secure foundation where each of you knows where the other draws the line.
About the Author
Jane Saeman runs a site called along with info on dating and relationship on her blog at at http://www.Hot-Firefighters.com/blog2
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