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The Long Dark Night of the Single
Life for the long-term single doesn't always feature cocktail parties, shopping sprees and spa days with the girls. At times it's depressing, lonely and downright scary. While your friends are getting married and having babies, you might be thinking, 'When's it going to happen for me?', 'What if it doesn't?' and 'Is there something wrong with me?' You may feel driven to prove what a fabulous single life you're leading to stave off those pitying, patronizing comments. ('Don't worry, babe, he's out there.')
Yes, it can be challenging to hold on to your self-esteem when there hasn't been a guy in your life for ages, but it is possible to crank up your confidence and seize the opportunities singledom offers.
'I'm 33 and haven't had a boyfriend since I was 21,' says Andrea, a PA. Since that two-year relationship ended she's had three short relationships lasting a month or two, and a number of flings. 'I have trust issues so I haven't consciously put myself out there. I've shied away from intimate relationships because of a fear of getting hurt,' she admits. 'But I realize that that's only being half-alive and I've been missing out. My life is full in other ways but I need intimate companionship.'
Long-term singledom brings moments of loneliness but Andrea tries not to allow herself to dwell on them. 'It doesn't help that my friends are all happily married and deeply in love. I think I have more trouble with envy than I do with loneliness.' Worse still is constantly having to field embarrassing questions about her love life, such as, 'Still no love life?' or 'Why don't you have a boyfriend?' 'Luckily my self-esteem isn't tied up in whether a man fancies me or not. I get plenty of love from friends and family and, above all, I love myself. I do concede, though, that it would be a great ego boost if a man did.'
Although she hopes to meet someone, Andrea says she isn't actively searching. 'I have a problem with that picture. It reeks of desperation.' She dabbled in Internet dating but found it too impersonal and unromantic; nowadays, she's open to friends and colleagues setting her up on blind dates.
Andrea has created a single life that works for her. 'I spend time doing the things I love. I spend time with friends, I exercise, travel, hike, cook or just do nothing. Sometimes I stay in but for the most part my life is very active.' To cope with feeling left out of the married-with-children loop, she spends less time with married friends and more with single ones. Her advice to fellow singles? 'Don't let yourself get lonely. I stay busy. I laugh often. I make myself happy, I know I'm ultimately responsible for that and no man's going to make me happier or more miserable than I already am.'
Cut the Negative Self-Talk
You too might feel you're the lone, anxious singleton in a world of cutesy couples, but you're not. Psychologists agree that single women in their late 20s and early 30s are prone to worrying that their time to find a man and have a family is running out. Some settle for any guy rather than no guy, while others keep searching for Mr Perfect, never finding him - because he doesn't exist.
Unfortunately, particularly when you're younger, you almost feel as though you're not complete without a partner. It saps your self-esteem not to be 'chosen' by somebody. Monitor your self-talk: if you allow thoughts such as 'I'm feeling lonely' and 'Nobody loves me' to take root, you're on a downward spiral. If you indulge in feeling sorry for yourself, by feeding the story that everyone's settling down and you're being left behind, you'll almost live that out. You'll put out a vibe and people will pick up on it.
Being alone can be very difficult. It's easy to slip into despair, telling yourself things such as, 'I always end up in bad relationships'. But singledom isn't a death sentence - far from it. The key is how you interpret your single status. In your mind, does being single mean being empty? Is it possible your perceptions have been clouded by divorced parents or past relationships that didn't work out? Does being single reinforce old feelings of being worthless, a failure, fat or ugly? If you answer yes to any of these questions, a therapist could help you work through these blocks so you're free to enjoy this unencumbered life phase.
Mourn your losses if you need to. There may be a natural, necessary process of grieving to go through, especially if you're single after a breakup or a divorce. Travel and exploring your spirituality can be very nourishing to your soul at this time - plus they're buffers against slipping into depression.
Make the Most of your Me-Time
To be happy, human beings require a sense of security. Fortunately, this is something you can create for yourself. Here's how:
Cultivate confidantes. We all need to know that somebody out there cares about us. A strong connection to others is crucial to surviving singledom. Ensure you have one or two confidantes who are integrally involved with your life, whether they're friends, family members or selected colleagues.
Write in a journal. This is an excellent way to track your progress. It's a confidence booster to read your entries from a few months before and note how far you've come.
Be philosophical. When self-pity or envy gnaws at you, look at the bigger picture of your life. I firmly believe the universe has a way of operating; things happen at the right time. I believe we get the situations and lessons we need, which serve us well when we enter relationship territory again.
Draw up a plan. Decide how you want to live your life. Spend some time thinking, so you can establish who you are and what you want. You need to befriend yourself. Learn to stand alone before you stand with someone.
Take responsibility. If you're feeling lonely, ask yourself what you need to do not to feel lonely and what you could do to make your life full and add sparkle.
Try something new. A long stretch of being single is a magnificent opportunity to grow and develop yourself. Find the courage to reinvent yourself. Make the most out of being single. Go to cooking classes, learn a musical instrument or a new language, study, travel or explore writing. Be daring and do the things you've been too afraid to do. This helps you work on mastering your confidence: when you've achieved your goal you can say, 'See, I did it.' Plus, exploring an interesting new field brings you into contact with positive, like-minded people (including men).
Find Yourself
The main thing is to make peace in your mind with your status. After all, there's much to be said for not being in a relationship. When you're attached, there's always someone else to consider. Being single is an opportunity to explore the things that give you pleasure. And if you really pursue the things you love, you're more likely to find someone who mirrors your interests.
Many women find that relationships take up most of their head space. Their time and attention are dedicated to accommodating their partner, and they lose their sense of who they are. Single life allows you freedom and autonomy in decision-making - you can just pack up and go to anywhere you want.
Looking Ahead: Are you the Problem?
Well, possibly. Scan your past relationships for patterns. Do you tend to pick the same type of guy, for instance the commitment-phobe? When you open yourself to meeting a new man, it's helpful to remember that no guy is perfect, but please retain your standards and preferences. There's no reason why you should compromise on what you want. There's no point being with someone just for the sake of being in a relationship.
What if you really do just want to stay single? Could you end up lonely in middle age, while all your friends have children? Nothing's set in stone. For now, you may love the freedom to do what you like but your priorities may shift. There are women who've settled down for the first time in their 40s, 60s and even their 80s.
We're fortunate to live in a time when being single doesn't have a stigma. You can feel lonely at any age. You can be married and desperately lonely. In fact, someone-in a relationship may feel lonelier than a single person, as she has expectations of companionship from her partner, who may prefer watching TV. Ultimately, your life is yours to create any way you like - especially if you're single. Start celebrating.
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