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Are They Driving You Crazy?

Aug 18, 2007
I don't know why women got a reputation for being bad drivers - unless pushing supermarket carts counts as driving. I think I'm a good driver. After all, I spent seven years driving in New York City. When I sang "New York, New York", I changed the words. I sang "If you can drive it there, you can drive it anywhere. New York. New York".

When I drive, I follow the rules of the road, while trying not to follow the car in front of me too closely. I stop for pedestrians crossing the street; but on freeways I'm the one who's crossing - my fingers. I know I'm driving too fast when I can't read the vanity plates on the cars I'm passing.

Unlike most Californians, I don't slow down to look at accidents. I don't think that flat tires and overheated engines are "cartastrophes". New Yorkers don't slow down to look at accidents - even it they're involved in them.

My biggest problem with California drivers isn't that they change lanes more than I change my mind about what to wear to a "dressy casual" cocktail party. It's that they don't use their directional signals. Unfortunately, these Kamikaze lane changers come in a variety of styles.

There are mathematical lane changers. Knowing the shortest distance between two points is a straight line, they cross three lanes of traffic to an exit. Then there are the Weight Watcher's lane changers. They try to cut in front of you, can't fit in and cause you to break so they can squeeze in. Last but not least, there are the dancing-with-the-stars lane changers. They don't actually change lanes. They waltz back and forth between them. It takes two to tango, but it only takes one to cause an accident.

Thankfully, some drivers warn you that they're dangerous. Drivers struggling with the folds of a map don't have to look far to find an accident and drivers looking in the rear-view mirror to put on makeup look like wrecks.

Defensive driving means paying attention to other drivers so you don't have to pay for their mistakes. Gun fighters in the old west had a notch on their belts for each person they gunned down. Maybe bad drivers should have a notch on their license plates for each accident they cause. Nevertheless, to all drivers who want to drive safely on the freeways I say, "Tanks".
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KNIGHT PIERCE HIRST takes humorous looks at life.
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