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Married Man's Survival Guide - (MMSG)

Sep 3, 2007
Women believe that by always telling the truth you can ensure a life of wedded bliss. In their mind true love means always being able to tell each other the truth.

It took me a while, maybe because I was brought up that way. My mother thought the same thing. She always wanted to hear the truth, no matter how bad. But after 20 years of this wedded bliss with my beloved, I've learned that the truth, while usually the best policy is not always what she wants to hear. Sometimes she needs reassurance and unfortunately the truth is not going to provide that. Some questions posed are not questions at all but suggestions. She's just trying to steer you around to her way of thinking.

Other are intended to find out what you think about something that has nothing to do with the question:

Example:

"Did you like that new restaurant?...I thought the service was terrible, did you?"

Fact:

The question is not about the restaurant or the service. It's a ploy to see if you thought the waitress was pretty. She may or may not eventually ask it but your job is to steer the conversation in a completely different direction. A false "No" here guys and you'll open up a whole new can of worms or worse yet - an old can of worms you thought had been shut.

Clothing Optional?

Other questions may be more direct but no less loaded. Fashion is a big thing for women and they spend hours shopping for clothes and talking to their friends about clothes and searching through magazines for new clothes, etc, etc. When we go out, we are often late because my wife has tried on 3 or 4 outfits. I really don't mind... I usually use the time to catch up on reading or something.

I have gotten into the habit of saying "Very Nice!" whenever my wife enters the room after changing an outfit, no matter how many times that may happen during the hour. It makes her feel good. If I think it looks nice, then she must look nice...I will never figure out where she got that idea.

It's pretty straightforward. There are no degrees of nice. When she changes - She looks nice, Period, end of story...

except

There is one fashion related blunder I need to caution all men about though:

If at any time your wife puts on a pair of jeans that don't quite fit and asks "Do these make me look fat?". Never, under any circumstances say yes, even if it took her 10 minutes to stuff herself into them. The best answer is not always the most obvious. A "No honey, not at all" may get you into as much trouble as a foolishly uttered "Yes". Women can detect outright lies, probably because sometimes they know the answers before they ask the questions. Tact is required in this instance. You need not directly answer the question to satisfy her query.

Possible answers:

- "You know I like you in tight jeans"

- "Do you think you look fat?"

- "You don't want to look malnourished, do you?"

- "You have a healthy, sexy look, please don't change" (rated #1 in MMSG)

On the subject of food:

I don't know about you but my wife's culinary skills consist of using a can opener, occasionally reading a recipe and attempting it and putting Pizza Hut on speed dial.

I'm not a fussy eater and can eat almost everything she makes (or else). And truthfully she comes close enough in some of her cooking adventures that it usually tastes pretty good. She makes dishes I've never had which is good for two reasons. 1. I like to try different foods and 2. If I've never eaten it, I don't what it's supposed to taste like.

No matter what she cooks, when she asks "How do you like it?", the easiest answer is "It tastes great, you should make it more often!" It's the easiest because it's the exact thing she wants to hear and even if it's not the complete truth, it's gets you off the hook quickly. Now if you just can't eat it and can't get the dog to eat it, the best thing to do is feign illness. Sweat if you can, or get a pasty look on your face, watery eyes is good too. If you can't manage these things on your own, you may have to take a couple bites. If that's completely out of the question, while she's not looking, stick your finger down your throat.

So guys, stick to these simple to follow guidelines, tell the truth when you're absolutely sure what question is being asked and that a truthful answer won't cause any casualties. It's not that I'm not a big fan of truth, I am, in almost all of its forms. It's just that I'm a bigger fan of peace.
About the Author
Ron Berry is a freelance journalist who writes for Essay Street - Home of the No~Label RSS Feed.
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