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Holiday Humor

Nov 21, 2007
- My friend mentioned that he and his wife are taking out a home equity line of credit to buy Christmas presents. Isn't that a little crazy? Instead, my wife and I agreed that we're limiting our spending to what we have -- our existing home equity line of credit.

- Another friend says he's disturbed by the over-emphasis on gift giving around Christmas. So this year he's taking a different approach. He's focusing on gift receiving.

- A compliment better left unsaid: Marvelous! You fill out that Santa suit better than anyone else I've ever seen.

- Which reminds me ... I was complaining to my wife that I'm heavy enough to play Santa Claus. But she assured me that I'm not overweight. She says I just need to grow several inches taller.

- If only I could clone a taller me! But actually the idea of human cloning kind of creeps me out. I mean imagine if one year I had to buy myself a Christmas present. If that ever happened, I swear I'd be beside myself.

- At this time of year you know you're in trouble if you're thinking, "I sure wish I had anti-lock brakes."

- ... OR there's another view: Anti-lock brakes are for the cowardly; the courageous file insurance claims.

- During the holidays, staying well-organized is no harder than simply being really good it.

- The best way for a person with a Scrooge-like personality to avoid broken friendships is to pick friends with short memories.

- You know you've arrived when you're featured in the Christmas parade as Grand Marshall. You know you haven't arrived when you're featured in the parade as the street sweeper.

-A holiday-time reminder: Never take your friends and family for granted. Be thankful they let you take advantage of them.

- Driving to a Christmas Sale across town to save a buck always feels better than staying home to save 2 bucks on gas.

- To all you guys who get an electric razor for Christmas and plan to shave while you drive: That's a pretty risky stunt. What are you going to do if your shaver battery runs out?

- On Christmas Day my family considers it essential to say a mealtime prayer. It's the only chance we have to survive my cooking.

- Though we've all tried it, turning on defrosters really won't clear a dirty windshield.

- If your teen is bored over Christmas break, here's a tip to end the boredom. Offer your teen a job. Suddenly, he or she will find all kinds of great things to do.

- The love we share at Christmas reminds us of something very important. If you truly love someone, set them free. If they remain, you know their love is true. If they leave, you'll have to go get them.

- My son is studying to become a genetic engineer. He hopes someday to splice a gene from a lightning bug into a tulip to make it glow. This will allow us to decorate our "artificial" Christmas trees with "real" light bulbs.

- Even on icy roads it's considered poor taste to stop your vehicle by relying on the brakes of the car in front of you.

- Have you taken advantage of this freebee? During snowy weather, many communities offer a service where their snow plows will bury your car at no charge.

- A deep thought as we approach the new year: It's important to maintain the status quo, because that's just the way it is.

- My New Year's resolution this year is quite simply this: I'm not making one!
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