Home » Relationships » Divorce

Denial Of Sexual Orientation Doubles The Pain

Dec 14, 2007
I figured out I was a lesbian 10 years ago. At the time I had been married for 15 years. We had two kids, a dog, a station wagon and a house--but no white picket fence, thank God. When I made my discovery, everything I thought I knew about my reality crumbled around me and I cannot express the confusion and fear I felt. Paramount in my thoughts was my family. I felt sick about breaking up my family--I couldn't even think about it at times, especially the effect on my kids. I would instantly break down in tears--at the dinner table, at class, at a store. Yet as time went on it became clearer and clearer to me that I had to leave the marriage in order to survive, emotionally and even physically, as I was having suicidal thoughts.

Looking back, I can now acknowledge the denial I was in when I got married. Although I had attractions to women all my life, I was unable to connect that with identifying myself as a lesbian. This was purely a survival strategy, totally on a subconscious level. My mind simply could not allow that admission, through fear of how I would be treated and viewed by society. So sad! The result was, I did what was expected...I got married and had children and lived in a kind of oblivion.

For years, denial seemed to work. My mind was silent while allowing me to weave an intricate and full life as a heterosexual...marrying, having children, forming community bonds. But denial turns out not to be permanent. After years of protection, the spell wore off, leaving me laid bare, as I am, my true sexual identity exposed and raw and as demanding as a newborn.

Now I see the great irony of it all. In the end, denial betrays us and doubles the pain. Far from sparing me from the pain I so feared--the anticipation of living as a lesbian--denial ultimately added the even more devastating pain of breaking up my family. Although I have been divorced for 5 years, it still hurts. I still have trouble thinking about the effects this has had on my family. Luckily, my kids and ex-husband seem to have weathered the storm, allowing me some peace with my past.

The saddest part is that the fears that drove me into denial have proved to be largely unfounded. By finally accepting myself and embracing my sexuality, instead of the suffering I imagined, I have experienced relief and a sense of peace and wholeness.
About the Author
Pat Cheney is a life coach working with gays and lesbians who are coming out in midlife and with spouses in gay-straight marriages. To find out more about her services, visit Pat's website at http://www.discoveringpride.com.
Rating:
Please Rate:
(Average: Not rated)
Views: 252
Print Email Report Share
Article Categories
    • Artists
    • Gambling
    • Humanities
    • Humor
    • Movies
    • Music
    • Photography
    • Tattoos
    • Television
    • Classic Cars
    • Motorcycles
    • Recreational Vehicles
    • SUVs
    • Trucks
    • Vans
    • Branding
    • Business Opportunities
    • Careers and Jobs
    • Corporate
    • Customer Service
    • Direct Mail
    • Entrepreneurship
    • Ethics
    • Financing
    • Franchising
    • Home-Based Business
    • Human Resources
    • Import and Export
    • Leadership
    • Management
    • Market Research
    • Marketing and Advertising
    • Negotiation
    • Network Marketing
    • Networking
    • Organizational
    • Presentation
    • Project Management
    • Public Relations
    • Small Business
    • Strategic Planning
    • Team Building
    • Telemarketing
    • Training
    • Data Recovery
    • Databases
    • Games
    • Hardware
    • Networks
    • Operating Systems
    • Programming
    • Security
    • Software
    • Spyware and Viruses
    • Ask an Expert
    • College and University
    • Home Schooling
    • K-12
    • Languages
    • Online Education
    • Psychology
    • Accounting
    • Credit
    • Currency Trading
    • Debt Consolidation
    • Insurance
    • Investing
    • Leasing
    • Loans
    • Mortgage
    • Mutual Funds
    • Personal Finance
    • Stock Market
    • Structured Settlements
    • Taxes
    • Wealth Building
    • Coffee
    • Cooking
    • Gourmet
    • Recipes
    • Wine and Spirits
    • Acne
    • Aerobics
    • Alternative Medicine
    • Beauty
    • Cancer
    • Cosmetics
    • Depression
    • Diabetes
    • Diseases and Conditions
    • Fitness Equipment
    • Fitness
    • Hair Loss
    • Heart Disease
    • Medicine
    • Men's Health
    • Muscle Building
    • Nutrition
    • Skin Care
    • Supplements and Vitamins
    • Weight Loss
    • Women's Health
    • Yoga
    • Arts and Crafts
    • Babies
    • Collecting
    • Elderly Care
    • Genealogy
    • Hobbies
    • Parenting
    • Pets
    • Pregnancy
    • Woodworking
    • Feng Shui
    • Gardening
    • Home Appliances
    • Home Security
    • Interior Design
    • Landscaping
    • Affiliate Programs
    • Article Marketing
    • Auctions
    • Audio
    • Banner Advertising
    • Blogging
    • Broadband
    • Domain Names
    • E-Books
    • E-Commerce
    • Email Marketing
    • Ezines and Newsletters
    • Forums
    • Internet Marketing
    • Link Popularity
    • Pay-Per-Click
    • Podcasting
    • RSS
    • Search Engine Marketing
    • Search Engine Optimization
    • Security
    • Social Media
    • Spam
    • Video
    • Viral Marketing
    • Web Design
    • Web Development
    • Web Hosting
    • Copyright
    • Cyber Law
    • Intellectual Property
    • National, State, Local
    • Patents
    • Regulatory Compliance
    • Trademarks
    • Buying
    • Selling
    • Baseball
    • Basketball
    • Boating
    • Cycling
    • Extreme Sports
    • Fishing
    • Football
    • Golf
    • Hockey
    • Hunting
    • Martial Arts
    • Running
    • Scuba Diving
    • Soccer
    • Swimming
    • Tennis
    • Astrology
    • Buddhism
    • Christianity
    • Faith
    • Hinduism
    • Islam
    • Judaism
    • Meditation
    • Metaphysical
    • New Age
    • Cable and Satellite TV
    • Cell Phones
    • Communication
    • Gadgets and Gizmos
    • GPS
    • Satellite Radio
    • Video Conferencing
    • VoIP
    • Addictions
    • Coaching
    • Goal Setting
    • Motivational
    • Stress Management
    • Time Management
    • Clothing
    • Electronics
    • Fashion
    • Gifts
    • Jewelry
    • Causes and Organizations
    • Environment
    • History
    • Holidays
    • Men's Issues
    • Nature
    • Philosophy
    • Politics
    • Women's Issues
    • World Affairs
    • Air Travel
    • Camping
    • Cruises
    • Destinations
    • Outdoors
    • Article Writing
    • Book Reviews
    • Copywriting
    • Fiction
    • Non-Fiction
    • Poetry
    • Quotes
    • Screenplay
    • Tools and Resources